What I Hope the Church Is

I had a dream last night that I was scrolling through fb and someone had posted “What does church mean to you?” The dream seemed so real I had to double check to see if they had actually posted it and if I had really replied. But it’s obviously something thats been rolling around in my subconscious for quite a while. For me to get to my thoughts of what church is I need to explain a little of where my thoughts have been lately.

I’m a person who craves authenticity from people and myself. To be honest theres no more repulsive thing to me than fake churchy people. Especially people in leadership whose cheeks shimmer from their constant smile but you can almost feel the pain in their face from maintaining the facade. They’ve never shared an intimate or personal part of their life that didn’t gloss over details and end in perfection. If they’ve ever been through a season so hard they questioned God, or had to deal with character trait that was less than shiny then you most definitely have never heard about it. If we’re being really honest I know a specific person who fits this description. If you’ve spent more than a week in church you can probably think of someone too. And I get it, this person has so much going for them, they are running something huge. What if they start being real and things start to fall apart?

 A lot of people don’t appreciate real. I’ve heard several people say things like “We don’t need to know about your personal life, just stick to Jesus/theology/the Bible and keep your private life private.”

I once sat in a YWAM lecture with a teacher who said, “You know what I would love to see one day? Is for someone to get up during testimony time at church and share something they are going through without the victory at the end yet.” Of course I’m paraphrasing cause I don’t remember the exact words. While I’m fully aware there are some major flaws to this idea I understand what is meant. Can we and will we allow people to be real in church? Are we allowed to be in process? Not just on the little normal and safe stuff of being transformed into His image. But can we process the big and ugly stuff? When people around us are trying to find their footing again on a path thats been flooded by the storm in their life?  Even as someone who craves and loves authenticity it makes me uncomfortable sometimes. And an even bigger question than that, can our leadership be real? Or are they only allowed to share about their struggles and processes after it’s over and they have all the answers?  I honestly don’t have the answer for that, perhaps its not always wise….but maybe sometimes it is.

Obviously wisdom is needed in sharing personal information. There are things that I only share with Erik and Joyce. They are my safe people. There are deeply personal things that they know that I may never share with anyone else. There are things that I might not mind sharing but they would expose or hurt other people that I know, therefore I won’t share those things (not unless those people gave me consent to do so.) But many, MANY things in my life are free game. My why is simple: because the more I share the more likely I am to encounter someone struggling with something similar and have the opportunity to be an encouragement to them or find someone who can be an encouragement to me. 

Here’s the deal with taking the risk to be vulnerable about your life and whats going on. It scares people. Several years ago I was going through a rough season. I had walked away from finishing up a dream experience in the Christian world that turned out to be one of the hardest seasons of my life. It took me about 6-8 years to finally come to a place of peace after it. (I can be a stubborn and slow learner at times.) I couldn’t read my bible, couldn’t listen to worship, went to church but struggled to connect. I sat in my car one day and screamed at God “I HATE YOU! And if I could walk away from you I would!” I knew I couldn’t though. I had encountered Him too many times in my life to walk away, it was impossible. But boy was I angry. There were so many questions I wanted answered. And in that season, mixed with lots of immaturity, I would post rants on FB. And there was always one lady, a pastor, who replied. My questions and anger made her so uncomfortable. She always had an answer for me, a ‘fix’. Her answers where always good. They were the right answers, but she had no desire to understand, therefore I had no desire to listen.  Theres a great quote from Theodore Roosevelt that goes, “Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.”

Stick with me here, I promise this will all tie together in the end….I hope.

My everyday life, the attitude I keep around my children, my choice to complain or to lay down my life in service towards my family’s meals, laundry, needs, etc…is just as much a manifestation of ‘working out my salvation with fear and trembling’ (Phillipians 2:12) as is my worship, bible reading, and church going. Those things are vitally important and life giving, but the place where I have the greatest amount of opportunity to worship and lay down my life as a living sacrifice is where the majority of my life is spent. And for me, thats in housework and cooking. I spend a lot of time hating those things and complaining. I also spend a lot of time trying to find the balance of making sure I’m not playing the martyr. But in the end, when I remember the truth and I decide to choose, I tell the Lord that I will give it my all, as though I’m cooking for Him, then my attitude usually follows, along with the atmosphere in my house and the way I treat my family. My service, my ‘day in and day out’ becomes a sweet smelling fragrance. It becomes worship. Sometimes its easy to show up at church when the music is going, the prayer team has been praying into the atmosphere, the worship team has put in the work to lead you easily into a place of worship. But sometimes the most sacrificial and beautiful worship is in the choice you make to make every part of your life, even the really messy, hated and mundane parts of your life an act of worship to Him. Here’s some really real ways I’ve worshipped lately:
-I’ve woken up in the middle of the night with an unexplainable panic attack. I went down this list of things I knew to get out of it, natural and spiritual. Then I finally went on a walk at 4am and decided “you don’t always have to rescue me for this to be worship.” So I said “Show me where you are. Help me to to fully present even in the panic so I can connect with you.”  The scripture Colossians1:17 came to mind, “And He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.” So even in what feels like utter chaos I knew He was holding me together. Not even the heavy breathes that entered and exited my lungs in that moment were void of His very presence. Whether felt of not, He was there, in every moment, in every breath, holding all of creation together. I focused on my breathing and thanked Him for my breath, for His presence, that everything in my life seen and unseen was held together and existing through Him. A few minutes later the attack ended and I went inside and was able to fall asleep. It may not seem like worship to you, but it was worship. I laid down my ideas of how He should show up for me and I met Him.
-This same thing happened in the middle of the dreaded stomach bug just a few weeks ago. I so desperately wanted to be rescued, I wanted it to end quickly. Instead it ended up being the worst bug I’ve ever had. But in the middle of hugging my porcelain throne I remembered the night of my panic attack and I began to thank Him for a body that was created to be able to expel a virus from my body. I thanked Him for the breaks to rest my body, I thanked Him for my breath, I thanked Him that this would end.
-There’s a part of my life thats majorly in process right. It’s a part I won’t share in detail because it involves my family. Right now it’s a mess. I’m the one at fault. I’m the mess maker. I’ve been making this mess over and over for years. I’ve prayed everything I know to pray, I’ve gone through inner healing, listened to and applied the self help things, but I’m at a loss. Just last night I shared with Erik that I think I need to pursue professional help because I’m at the end of my resources. There’s a part of me that wants to feel shame that I can’t figure this out on my own. But my act of worship is admitting that I don’t have all the answers, believing that God is going to use someone trained in that area to speak truth to me and help me navigate this mess. My worship is laying down my pride for the benefit of those around me. His strength is made perfect in my weakness, therefore I will not run and I will not hide.

All of this is worship, because it’s my life. It’s the things that affect my heart, my family, my friends, my outlook and attitude about life. They are the things that cause me to turn my attention to God and say, “Help Me!”. I encounter God’s presence in corporate worship, but I am transformed into His image when I turn my attention to Him in every moment of my regular day to day life and I search for Him in the storm. I grab hold of Him knowing He is the only one who will bring me through.

Okay, so I’m going to try to simply tie this all together in my answer to what (I hope/or wish) the church is:

First off, the church is the people, not the building. But theres something so important about the gathering together, worshipping and learning together.  All these things are so good and so important, things I love about church. I love encountering His presence corporately.

Secondly, and very importantly, I hope the church is a place where we can be in process. I hope it’s a place where leaders or anyone for that matter can be real, even struggle a little and we can seek to understand before offering solutions or our judgements behind closed doors. I hope that when we speculate and make assumptions about people or hear rumors about how things were handled or said we could stop for a minute and pray for them, ask how we could serve them or honor the gold God placed in their DNA when He created them. And for goodness sakes!! If they say or do something you don’t understand, make an effort to talk to them and try to understand, and if you don’t understand choose love anyways. I hope the church is a little messy. I wish we would put in the effort to talk to people with an open mind, on a case by case basis to try to understand where people are coming from instead of throwing out our black and white blanket statements on facebook. And the reason I hope we could do these things is because when we allow people the space to find the breath of God even in their anger, bad choices, political preferences, mistakes, and the monotony of their everyday lives then we open the door for His breath to fill those same areas in our lives, even the places we are blind to.

Here’s the deal, when you choose to remain open to Him, even in the mess, He will be faithful to tend the garden of your heart. He will pull the weeds when the time is right. He is the gardener, His timing is perfect, His work is impeccable. Just make sure you unlock the gate and trust that He is faithful…not just for you, but for the people you don’t agree with, and whose mess seems a little too out of control. Thats what church is to me.

“Hello darkness, my old friend…”

“Hello darkness, my old friend…” -Simon and Garfunkel

I recently learned that I was a 4 on the enneagram. When I first read the description I was offended. “Melancholy my ass!” I’ve put in a lot of work to not be someone controlled by my emotions. But then I started reading more and listening to podcasts of other 4’s, and I got it. I like to go deep. Scary and dark thoughts don’t scare me, they are things to be explored. I’m always baffled by people who hide from their issues or feelings, and don’t enjoy a good cry. I actually pick movies (not all the time) based on their ability to make me cry. If I don’t cry at least once a month I feel clogged.

 But over all I don’t feel like these are things that define me as a whole. I would say that I spend much more time seeing the good and humor in life than anything else. But every once a while, probably a few times a year, this brooding darkness creeps over the horizon, and this song runs through my head for days “Hello darkness my old friend,I’ve come to talk with you again…” It’s here now. It’s been here for a good week. I used to think it was depression, but I’ve learned over the years that I just want to sit and be artist and alone. As much as it makes me feel heavy and sad, I enjoy it. That feels a little weird to say publicly, because people don’t get it. It’s like a dark enchanted forest. I want to know what’s hiding there. What will I discover about myself this time around? There is always a treasure of self discovery in the darkness. 

The feelings don’t appear out of thin air, obviously something is going on internally that my mind hasn’t caught up to. So when these times come it’s a reminder to my head that I’m not making space to connect with my heart. I’m cluttered, I’m tired, and for weeks I’ve been staring at my laptop from across the room wishing I had an hour or two to sit in silence and write. It’s my escape, my “me time”. But instead I’m worried about letting the laundry go one more day, running errands, cleaning, anything that would put any stress on anyone around me. Because somewhere inside me is a resting illness that is screaming that my job as a wife and mom living the freeloader life is to make sure everything runs seamlessly, smoothly, causes no one stress, and proves that I’m worth my weight in gold. Free time and me time are things to be earned. And the worst part is that no one knows, not until I break down and open my mouth. It’s partially my own damn fault!

But here’s the kicker, and I know I’m not alone in this. The line between loving sacrifice and martyr gets really blurred day in and day out. Carrying the weight of stress alone because you don’t want to stress out your spouse or steal their joy. Asking them to do things you know they don’t want to do, because their life is busy and stressful too, so you keep your mouth shut and tell yourself it’s not a big deal, you can handle it. Making meals that are insulted by your kids. It all slowly erodes away at your joy. At some point you look up and realize you’ve done it again. Your laying on the ground trying to be invisible, needless and there’s no more joy in the sacrifice. 

And there it is.  Meh.

I knew I’d get to the bottom of it if I started to write. So I guess this is the part where I start speaking up again. I do it to myself, little by little I devalue myself and without realizing it I start trying to prove myself by working harder and keeping my head down. But I need to bust my “NO” out again. The laundry will get folded on Friday instead of Thursday, because I’m going to write. If my family is having a bad day it’s not always going to be my fault. And I’m going to ask for what I want, because my family deserves the opportunity to choose ‘yes’ or ‘no’. And if they say ‘no’ it will not break me (for long).

Farewell darkness…I’m sure we’ll meet again.

Heaven : Why should we care?

I have started and restarted this blog at least 3 times now. Every time I get about a paragraph in I think, “this is true, but it’s not what excites me.” I’m all heart guys, if you can connect my heart to something I’m 100% in. So here’s what we’re gonna do, I’m going to link up a few blogs that have some great reasons (they really are great) as to why you should think about Heaven. But then I’m gonna tell you some reasons that excite me. 

All it takes is a simple google search to come up with a ton of great articles and blogs, but here are just a few:

Looking Forward to a Heaven We Can Imagine

This is by far one of the most extensive resources I’ve found for reading about Heaven. A FB friend did mention that he does have a book, but even if you don’t buy it you can still go to his blog and search under the tag ‘Heaven’ and it will bring up about 13 pages worth of blogs. I highly recommend it.

Why on Earth Should We Be Thinking About Heaven?

Why You Need to Think about Heaven (More than You Do)

And now….**Drumroll Please**  Here are 3 of my favorite reasons to think about Heaven:

Imagining what His presence is like in Heaven brings me into His presence here and allows me to release Heaven to others.

Heaven is not a time or place to come, its a parallel universe and we are supposed to bring it to earth. How do you know what that looks like if you aren’t thinking about heaven?

When we are thinking about the Heavenly realm it’s much easier to see problems in the light of Heavens economy and solutions. I think we can all agree that this world has a lot of problems and we could easily sit on our couches having facebook arguments about how we think people should see and do things. OR, we could fix our eyes on Jesus, His heart for unity, the way He demonstrated the kingdom of Heaven on earth and ask for solutions. He doesn’t always respond with conversation. Many times He comes to our thoughts or imagination as we simply think about Him and the Heavenly realm.

Colossians 3:2 “Yes, feast on all the treasures of the heavenly realm and fill your thoughts with heavenly realities, and not with the distractions of the natural realm.”

Jesus told us to pray for Heavenly realities to be made manifest in even the midst of our broken world. So What does that mean? Simple, if theres no brokenness in Heaven, He wants you to pray and release that here to those around you who are suffering.

Matthew 6:9-10  Pray like this:

‘Our Father, dwelling in the heavenly realms,
    may the glory of your name
    be the center on which our lives turn.

Manifest your kingdom realm,
    and cause your every purpose to be fulfilled on earth,
    just as it is fulfilled in heaven.”

Do you have the authority to do that? Yes! Feelings are wonderful guides and terrible masters. You don’t have to feel authority to have authority. Your physical body might be on earth, but when you believed in Christs death and resurrection your spirit was raised with Him and seated in a place of authority. Your authority does no ebb and flow in conjunction with your screw ups. So as you sit with the Father in a place of authority He doesn’t see you smeared with the filth of your bad day or choice, all He sees is blood, the sacrifice of Jesus, you wear it like a royal robe. You have authority, lots of it!

Ephesians 2:6  He raised us up with Christ the exalted One, and we ascended with him into the glorious perfection and authority of the heavenly realm, for we are now co-seated as one with Christ!

Heaven is above us, around us, and IN us. I don’t know about you, but when I think about Jesus being seated at the right hand of the Father, I’m seated there too, I have all the authority that Jesus has to pray and release Heaven on earth, and Heaven is inside of me?! That gets me excited! The helps me feel connected to a physical place that I can pull my authority from and release it. And if Heaven is inside of me, and I’m thinking about and focusing on it’s realities the there’s no way I want to live my life any any way that would dishonor or desecrate the temple of the Holy Spirit. Do I do it, yes, we all do. But Heaven inside me is transforming me. Process, transformation, a journey…..Fulfillment and perfection comes after this body dies.

1 Corinthians 3:16  Don’t you realize that together you have become God’s inner sanctuary and that the Spirit of God makes his permanent home in you?

Ephesians 2:22  This means that God is transforming each one of you into the Holy of Holies, his dwelling place, through the power of the Holy Spirit living in you!

 I think so many people live with a fear that they won’t accomplish enough in this life. But thinking about Heaven not only helps drive the desire to live to your fullest potential on earth, but it also speaks peace to the impending doom that the end is coming and you’ll never accomplish anything again. 

God created us for work, we will have purpose and jobs in Heaven. In a part world (the Garden of Eden) God created Adam and then gave him work to do, then he also gave him a companion and a helper. Its the turmoil, and pain, etc that were from the curse, not the work. 

Have you spent your life trying to figure out what your passion is, or maybe you know but you just haven’t been able to make it work. Can you imagine knowing exactly what it is you are made for that makes your heart soar with pleasure, and it’s easy?! Fruit will come of everything that you put your hands to do. Can you imagine the joy and satisfaction, you will have and the glory you will bring the Father as you live in the fullness of what you were created for! That’s what we’re all striving for on earth, right? To do that thing that makes us come alive, that we were made for!

Destroying my fears about heaven helped me to move past my fears in this life. 

If you want to hear a little more about some of my struggles with fear you can read about it here. I was really good at living a life consumed by fear. Maybe you don’t feel like you deal with fear to that extreme, but have you ever been worried? A little anxious? We all have and I’m sure we will fall prey to it again and again before this life is over. But we have been given a tool, and if we catch ourselves going down the rabbit hole we can whip out our handy-dandy tool and get out of that rabbit hole before things get too dark and scary. You want the tool??

Phillipians 4:6-8 Don’t be pulled in different directions or worried about a thing. Be saturated in prayer throughout each day, offering your faith-filled requests before God with overflowing gratitude. Tell him every detail of your life, 7 then God’s wonderful peace that transcends human understanding, will make the answers known to you through Jesus Christ. 8 So keep your thoughts continually fixed on all that is authentic and real, honorable and admirable, beautiful and respectful, pure and holy, merciful and kind. And fasten your thoughts on every glorious work of God,praising him always.

 Let me put it in even simpler terms: Pray! Focus on Jesus and His presence. If there’s ANYTHING good in your life, thank Him for it, no matter how big or small. Tell Him everything cause He wants to know, even though He already knows it all. And if you’ll let Him into your life in that way He’s gonna let you know what to do. He’s going to give you strategies and answers and peace that doesn’t even make sense! So just take your eyes off of everything thats wrong and dark and go hunting for good and the light and everything will come into the perspective of Heaven.  That right there will destroy fear!

So there you have it. They are simple but powerful and they have transformed the way I think and live. Living in the light of Heaven will change your life, your perspective and the lives of people around you. So spend a little more time thinking about Heaven; what it’s like now, what it will be like when Jesus returns and you get to be audience to the creation of the new heavens and earth. It’s going to be a wild ride for eternity.

Heaven : The Exploration

Heaven: The Exploration

A few years ago a movie came out called Avatar. You may have seen it, it was kind of a big deal. I remember going to see it in 3D and being blown away. I never told anyone back then, but sitting in that theater God began a conversation with me about Heaven. I remember being in awe of this world someone had created using their imagination with beautiful bioluminescent plants and floating islands. It was beautiful and beyond anything I had ever imagined. I sat and thought to myself, ‘If there were a place like this on earth I would go.” No sooner had I had that thought when I heard in my spirit “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has imagined what I have prepared.” The voice that I heard was referring to this scripture:

1 Corinthians 2:9-10“…. But, as it is written,”What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him. 10 But God now unveils these profound realities to us by the Spirit.Yes, he has revealed to us his inmost heart and deepest mysteries through the Holy Spirit, who constantly explores all things.”

Side note: I had often heard the first part of that scripture, but I was blown away by verse 10! By His Spirit He unveils REALITIES, His heart, His mysteries!! He constantly EXPLORES all things! There’s a good chance this scripture is actually talking about God’s master plan to save everyone through the death of His son. However, have you ever read anything in the Bible that has had different applications every time you have read it? (As long as it’s consistent with the character and love of Jesus found all throughout the word) It doesn’t make the new revelation a lie because it’s not the same application every time, it means that you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing when you read the word, encountering Jesus! Revelation 19:13 says that His title is called the “Word of God”. The Word is alive and active, waiting to speak to you, encounter you, transform you, reveal mysteries, and EXPLORE all things!

Ok, back to business. 

After I heard those words it was like an explosion of curiosity and creativity went off inside of me. I was filled with so many questions and ideas. When I used to think of Heaven, and I didn’t often, I would picture a big room with ugly wood paneling on the walls, filled to the brim with people, and a stuffy and detached God sitting on His throne at the front of the room, motionless and emotionless. Of course there was the giant city made of gold and gems, full of light, but in my head the streets were always empty because apparently, as I had believed, everyone would be so consumed with all that worship that there would be no time for frivolous things like exploring and enjoying life. Does this sound familiar to you? Maybe you’ve never struggled with imagining Heaven being worship service overload. But if you have would you be willing to imagine some new possibilities with me?

First, lets establish a couple things before we begin ‘exploring all things with the Holy Spirit”.

1. We are made in God’s image. He does have a physical body that sits on a throne, HOWEVER, His presence, not His body, is Omnipresent. Everywhere, everytime, all the time.

                       Pslams 139:7-8 “Where could I go from your Spirit?

                                   Where could I run and hide from your face?

                                               If I go up to heaven, you’re there!

                     If I go down to the realm of the dead, you’re there too!”

2. Worship is not just singing. It’s taking everything that you do with your body or mind and doing it before the Lord, to bring Him pleasure, as a love offering. 

                         Romans 12:1 “ Beloved friends, what should be our proper response to God’s marvelous mercies? I encourage you to surrender yourselves to          

                           God to be his sacred, living sacrifices. And live in holiness, experiencing all that delights his heart. For this becomes your genuine  

                             expression of worship.”

3. His Glory is everywhere. On earth we move from glory to glory, but in Heaven we will will live in the full revelation of His glory at all times. 

                                             

                               Romans 11:36 For everything comes from Him and exists by His power and is intended for His glory. All glory to Him forever! Amen.”

4. Relationships with other people: This one is a mystery really, because there will be no marriage or dating. We will be the Bride of Christ, but here’s some food for thought: there will not be a trillion individual Brides, we will be ONE. There will be so much unity and love, it’s something that we don’t even really have a grid for, but it’s so worth trying to explore what it would look like and feel like. Perhaps the closest thing might be a good marriage. There are times I think that no one in the world could ever understand me or be more perfect for me than my husband, the closeness I feel is indescribable! It almost feels like cheapening or dishonoring the marriage covenant to imagine feeling that kind of closeness and love for EVERYONE. But again, no grid! Perhaps it’s like thinking that you couldn’t possibly love another child because you’ve already given all of your love to your first child. But then that second one comes along and you realize that you don’t take love from one to give to the other, love just grows.

                          

                                      1 Corinthians 12:12 Just as the human body is one, though it has many parts that together form one body, so too is Christ. 13 For by one Spirit we all were immersed and mingled into one single body.

Ok, so if His presence is everywhere, Worship is more than singing, it’s living, and everything created brings Him glory, then I think it’s safe to assume that Heaven will be more than always being in the presence of a physical God, singing songs. We will do those things and they will be amazing beyond our wildest imagination!! But my purpose in writing is to get you thinking outside of the box, like a child. A childlike heart would look at a movie like Avatar and wonder, “Are there bioluminescent plants in colors I’ve never imagined? Is it possible that there could be islands suspended in air? I wonder if I could jump on the back of an animal and soar through the air laughing hysterically with joy because the experience is overwhelming me with another encounter of His glory?’

What if you finally get to hug that lion? You know anyone who has ever watched the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe is waiting for that day!

What if you finally get to climb that mountain that was too expensive to get to and your earthly body would have never made it up? 

What if you get to swim with whales and sharks and dolphins, without fear of harm or running out of air under water?

What if you get to sit with people from different times and cultures and talk and learn new and exciting things? Will you know everything about everyone? Or will it be constant discovery? 

Will we know everything about God instantly? Or will we be discovering Him for eternity? (My personal belief is that Heaven will be endless discovery because only God is Omniscient.)

Will we be able to fly? I don’t know for sure, but I do know that when Jesus rose from the grave in His resurrected body that He ascended into Heaven, and when He returns we will meet Him in the sky. Kinda sounds like flying to me. He also appeared to people, and then disappeared. And showed up in rooms full of people even though the door was locked.

Will we eat? Again, I’m not sure. But, Jesus in His resurrected body asked for fish to eat. And He talks about ’The wedding feast of the Lamb’ when He returns. We will have no NEED of food, but perhaps we will have it just for pleasure and celebration.

Will we be able to explore outer space? The deepest depths of the oceans? Will you constantly be getting to know new people or will you mostly hang with certain people?

Will the river of gladness that flows from God’s throne sound like laughter? Some of the accounts of people that have died and gone to Heaven then returned to their bodies, have said that it does.  

What if…? There are too many possibilities to list. Sometimes when my girls are scared, or even just randomly, we take turns talking about the adventures we plan to have in Heaven, and they’re wild. They are never afraid of getting it wrong, because in their minds nothing is impossible with God. So what would you do? Where would you go? Who would you talk to?

It’s important that you think about Heaven, it’s never a waste of time. Next week will be my final blog in this series on Heaven and I’ll be talking about why it’s important to think about Heaven.

Heaven (part 1)

As a child I can remember becoming very aware that one day my parents would die. I’d crawl out of bed crying and interrupt their precious alone time and start asking questions about when they would die, hoping they could offer me some hope. I remember one time they told me that they would no longer be married in Heaven. My little kid brain took that to mean that all memories of their life and relationships on earth would be erased. I was traumatized! I didn’t ask many more questions, but I remember thinking “What a cruel God! He allows us to have children, fall in love, travel the world experiencing wonderful things, pursue dreams and then we die and He takes it all away. Then we have to go stand in a giant sanctuary and sing songs for eternity! That sounds more like hell.”

The years passed and I didn’t give much thought to my future home, other than shooting up a quick prayer that God wouldn’t take me their before I had checked off all the grand adventures on my list. Marriage, kids, travel, etc because once I got there the adventure would end.  It wasn’t until I was in college and my grandparents began coming around a little more that I began to think about Heaven again. My dads parents, Bob and Mariel, had given their lives to bible translation and lived in the Philippines for as long as I had been alive. They would travel to the states occasionally, but we didn’t spend a lot of time together. I was attending bible college in Florida and they stopped by in their RV and microwaved up some mini Crystals burgers and quiches, the meal I remember eating with them almost every time we met in that RV. My Grandpa would always encourage me to write out the scriptures and memorize them because there was life in the word. And he and my grandma would always talk with such excitement about the coming of the Lord. I’ve never met anyone who was truly looking forward to eternity like they did. And it made me curious. My grandparents moved back to the states about 15 years ago (I think). My Grandpa died almost 2 years ago now, and every time I would see them at family gatherings he was always lost in his own little world softly whispering under his breath “Thank you Jesus, we worship you Jesus.” For every birthday he never wanted gifts, he just wanted us to worship together as a family. When he died I have never been more convinced of anyone’s overwhelming joy of being with Jesus.

Around the time my grandpa died I had lost several Great Aunts and Uncles within just a few years. My kids had been dragged around to a few funerals and they started to ask questions about death and Heaven. The very same questions that I had at their age. I remember one night trying to talk to Zion (my oldest) about Heaven and assure her that she would recognize me if I came to Heaven after her. I wanted to assure her that she was going to love it so much that she wouldn’t be sitting around, sad, just waiting for me. That created a new fear, “what if I’m having such a good time and you come to Heaven and I don’t know and we never meet or find each other?” After that night I became determined that my kids would have such an excitement in their hearts to experience Heaven and be with Jesus that it would never strike fear in their hearts.  I’m not sure that I’ve accomplished that 100%, but I can tell you that when we talk about Heaven it’s always an exciting conversation filled with joy and endless possibilities.

So I’m curious, when you really sit down and think about Heaven, does it cause anxiety? Is it the end of life as you know it, or a grand adventure that is just beginning? Does the thought of a never ending worship service in an overcrowded room sound like bliss, or is it possible that there is so much more to Heaven and worship? Do you fear leaving your family and friends behind?

These are some things I’d like to explore in the next few weeks. I am by no means an expert on Heaven. The extent of my research has been listening to a few audio books on peoples experiences with dying and then returning to earth, a few scriptures about Heaven, and a lot of exploring the limitless possibilities of Heaven within my limited mind. So if you’re up for exploring what might lay ahead in eternity then check in for part 2 on Heaven. In the meantime I’d love to know your concerns or things you’re looking forward to for eternity in the comments.

Come Out Of Hiding, You're Safe Here With Me

This was something I wrote a little over a year ago. It's a huge part of my story. My desire in telling it over and over again in different ways is that it would bring freedom and hope to anyone dealing with fear or anxiety. If you would like to hear the message I preached recently at church talking about this same subject then scroll down and click the link posted at the bottom.

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Imagine with me that someone hands you a card and inside is a gift card for a spa day. You thank them profusely telling them how much you been desiring a relaxing day. They leave and you jump in the car to head to the spa. But on the way there your mind wanders to everything that could go wrong while your gone. Your house could burn down, you could get in a wreck on the way there, you could get a brain eating amoeba from the water at the spa… So many potentially horrific things could happen!!😱 So you decide that the 'wise' thing to do would be to not indulge in a moment of pleasure but instead think about your future. So you go to the spa, cash in your gift card and drive straight to the insurance agency to get the best insurance policy to cover every horrific thing that could happen in your life or death. And at the end of the day you have taken a gift that was meant for relaxation and pleasure for that day and you have spent the whole thing on future events that will most likely never happen. And if they do, that insurance won't spare you pain, only some money.

Now, please realize that this is NOT about insurance-insurance is great.

 This is about GRACE and FEAR.

Matthew 6:34 msg "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

So many times we read over this verse like we've heard it a million times and in doing so it's lost all its truth and power. But the reality is that each day and moment comes with a gift: grace for the moment. Not grace for tomorrow or next year. But we think we know better and we try to figure out the future without God, because surely He won't be able to provide ALL that we need in the future. Fear and anxiety creep in and convince us that living fully engaged in today is frivolous so we should cash in our grace for fear. Fear will steal every last drop of hope and joy from your life. You will live waiting for the other foot to fall, because all good things must come to an end, right??! Why hope for anything good, disappointment is a faithful friend. This is the dark battle I began to fight a few years ago. 

I'm a pretty optimistic person, but the things that were happening in my heart weren't lining up with what was happening on the outside.

Until they did...

As I sat in my rocking chair nursing Sophia one night I heard the most booming whisper in my spirit, "Do you trust me?" To which I replied, "Of course, Lord" He asked again and my heart began to pound. But my answer was the same. In my mind I didn't even realize I had begun to panic "Why is He asking me this?? Is He about to doing something horrible?? Will he take my children or my husband? Are we about to find out someone has cancer. He wouldn't need me to trust Him unless something terrible is on the horizon..." He asked again and suddenly I looked down at this sweet child sleeping in my arms and thought, "No, I don't trust you! Because if I trust you with my children I'm afraid you will take them away" I had finally had a moment of truth with God and I felt so exposed that I began to sob. 

I wish I could tell you that I had a long and in depth conversation with God that helped me to fully trust Him and break off all the lies I had been believing that night. But instead it has been a beautiful and hard journey that has completely wrecked me in the most wonderful way! I didn't even think about that conversation for many months. Then one night I lay in my bed to go to sleep and my heart began pounding so hard and I felt like I was being suffocated, thoughts of horrible things began racing through my mind and I was paralyzed. It happened again and again for about 3 weeks. I would watch things happening around me as though I was stuck inside this giant bubble. I couldn't hear or feel. I was terrified of even trying to feel joy for fear of it bringing on another panic attack. About a week into this I found out I was pregnant. 

Isis began beheading people. There was an Ebola case in the states-in MY state.

And I found out that I was bringing a child into this world. And I began to pray that I would miscarry. I still can't write, say, or even think those words to this day without crying. 

No one knew what to do with me,

But God.

I remember sitting down one morning and listening to a song by Steffany Gretzinger called Out of Hiding.

"Come out of hiding

You're safe here with Me

There's no need to cover

What I already see

You've got your reasons

But I hold your peace

You've been on lockdown

And I hold the key"

And I saw this picture of the Lord coaxing me out of this tiny cave, with no room to move or enjoy life, and as I timidly came out I was standing in a flat, dry, cracked desert with Jesus right next to me and I was surrounded by enemy armies about a mile away. I felt so exposed but so safe in that moment. And I knew He was saying to me that He was going to walk me through this and my enemy will see me but they are powerless to come near as I walk this out. Looking back I realize that I had given my enemies every weapon they had and in walking exposed in the safety of Jesus' arms I began to disarm every one of them. 

Those 3 weeks were my lowest point and also the greatest invitation into freedom. I was forced to live in the moment, because if I jumped ahead at all I had a panic attack. I would wake up in the morning and ask what do you want me to do today Holy Spirit? Some days it was a walk to lower my anxiety getting out of bed. One day He told me to get in the pool with my kids and smile. He led me to an amazing Christian acupuncturist who helped me a ton. He had me seek out inner healing. I turned off the TV completely except to watch something that would make me laugh. I listened to every message on hope and trust I could find and I invited trusted and powerful people into my daily struggle who prayed with me and trusted the process of healing. And through it all I began to see a God who cared that I laughed and that my children felt loved and safe. He wasn't a 'miracle working God who was simply amping up our faith for the horrible time to come', that was some terrible theology 🤢! He's a good Father! So that means he's a million times better/more caring/more involved/loving/sacrificial/and protective than any earthly Father. And yet he trusts me with His kids 😶😭. I want Him on my team.

The same person who sat in that chair and finally admitted that she didn't trust God with her children (even though we had dedicated them😜) is the same person who can tell you today that He is the most trustworthy source of hope and life and joy that I know. And on a daily basis I close my eyes and fall into His arms and TRUST that He will catch me. Some days I still struggle, I find myself with my mind wandering ahead of my grace and I remember how exhausting it is to live without hope and to forfeit today's beauty for tomorrow's sorrow.

Today when I close my eyes I see myself in a beautiful field of wildflowers. I see freedom and room to run. I'm still exposed but I'm enveloped in this shield of unconditional love and trust. I'm in His heart. And I live so convinced that my love and trust has captured His gaze. He sees me, he holds me when I'm scared and He finds me when I've crawled by into my cave to hide. 

I will give my life to helping others see and hear the voice of Love calling to them "Come out of hiding, you're safe here with me." 

Your Spirit is a Warrior message

Beautiful things are in the womb of a seed

Rain is falling softly this morning and the sun still shines brightly behind a veil of sheer clouds. Its just enough light that when you walk outside and smell the refreshing of the rain and the sun still lighting the sky that your heart seems to stand tall, as though it had hunched over without you realizing it.

  I take a deep breath and realize that my heart has been heavy with the suffering I see. My heart wants to know the right words or things to do that will rescue them from pain.

  But the rain reminds me of the seed that must go down into the soil, into the darkness, alone, and die. Its cracked open, it looks like destruction, but then suddenly the rain comes and wets the soil. The soil; the darkness and isolation, the thing that feel like its been suffocating you, becomes life and nutrition. You find yourself feasting off of your destruction. You look at your little seedling body, cracked and destroyed beyond repair,  “This shouldn’t be, it isn’t right! No one could survive being filleted like this.” , but then you begin to see life shooting up and growing out of the remains of your heart. It looks so small and weak, it couldn’t possibly make its way through the thick darkness! But the refreshing rain causes the darkness to become soft and pliable and this weak little sprouts pushes its way out desperate to feel the Sun shining. That tiny little sprout makes it through and becomes whatever that tiny seed had been carrying around for years. A tree, a flower, something edible, life-giving. And as that tree or flower grows, basking in the Sun, boasting of the beauty that came from its death, that little seed remains in the ground, becoming the life source and anchor for the restoration that sprouted from destruction. And every time the rain falls the little seed sprouts legs and arms the dig deep and wide into the darkness that has become a source of life.

John 12:24 “A single grain of wheat will never be more than a single grain of wheat unless it drops into the ground and dies. Because then it sprouts and produces a great harvest of wheat—all because one grain died.”

Suffering and pain are fascinating subjects to me. They used to be something I never wanted to think about or be around. They terrified me. I thought God had planned out points of extreme pain or suffering in my life so that I could be of use to Him, a pawn of sorts. I was always waiting for the other boot to drop anytime things seemed good. But I seemed to have forgotten there is an enemy. John 10:10 “ A thief has only one thing in mind—he wants to steal, slaughter,and destroy. But I have come to give you everything in abundance, more than you expect—life in its fullness until you overflow!“ 

 Though I still don’t wish pain and suffering to be a part of my life, I see an undeniable beauty not just from the life and restoration that comes from them but the terrified yet obedient surrender of one who lets others come close to share in their pain. Theres nothing more precious to me than when someone shares their deepest pain, anger, grief, regret, etc with me knowing that I have no power to rescue them only to sit in silence as they release the pressure on the valve. So often we don’t want to burden others with our suffering, but we want nothing more than to not be alone as we walk through it.  At some point we let that tension catapult us into isolation, or to bear the most raw and tender places of our souls hoping that someone will just BE with us. 

  I don’t understand suffering and how there seems to almost be a need for it. I suppose its a product of our fallen world. Because Eden was created to reflect Heaven. No suffering, no pain. But now in our world it almost seems as though everything of value comes from a place of pain or destruction. Pearls are formed by years of irritation, diamonds by extreme heat and pressure, forests return with vibrant beauty after wildfires, those who were once abandoned now rescue children, those who were abused help others escape, those who have suffered tell their story and offer hope, those who knew no laughter or joy are now filled with laughter, those who had no family are surrounded by family, God became man, suffered and ultimately died to restore hope and life.

  This morning the rain reminded me of one of my favorite Childrens books, ’It will be okay.” My kids don’t really care for it, but I nearly cry every time I read it. And I just wanted to encourage some of my friends walking through dark places, that beautiful things are in the womb of a seed.