What I Hope the Church Is

I had a dream last night that I was scrolling through fb and someone had posted “What does church mean to you?” The dream seemed so real I had to double check to see if they had actually posted it and if I had really replied. But it’s obviously something thats been rolling around in my subconscious for quite a while. For me to get to my thoughts of what church is I need to explain a little of where my thoughts have been lately.

I’m a person who craves authenticity from people and myself. To be honest theres no more repulsive thing to me than fake churchy people. Especially people in leadership whose cheeks shimmer from their constant smile but you can almost feel the pain in their face from maintaining the facade. They’ve never shared an intimate or personal part of their life that didn’t gloss over details and end in perfection. If they’ve ever been through a season so hard they questioned God, or had to deal with character trait that was less than shiny then you most definitely have never heard about it. If we’re being really honest I know a specific person who fits this description. If you’ve spent more than a week in church you can probably think of someone too. And I get it, this person has so much going for them, they are running something huge. What if they start being real and things start to fall apart?

 A lot of people don’t appreciate real. I’ve heard several people say things like “We don’t need to know about your personal life, just stick to Jesus/theology/the Bible and keep your private life private.”

I once sat in a YWAM lecture with a teacher who said, “You know what I would love to see one day? Is for someone to get up during testimony time at church and share something they are going through without the victory at the end yet.” Of course I’m paraphrasing cause I don’t remember the exact words. While I’m fully aware there are some major flaws to this idea I understand what is meant. Can we and will we allow people to be real in church? Are we allowed to be in process? Not just on the little normal and safe stuff of being transformed into His image. But can we process the big and ugly stuff? When people around us are trying to find their footing again on a path thats been flooded by the storm in their life?  Even as someone who craves and loves authenticity it makes me uncomfortable sometimes. And an even bigger question than that, can our leadership be real? Or are they only allowed to share about their struggles and processes after it’s over and they have all the answers?  I honestly don’t have the answer for that, perhaps its not always wise….but maybe sometimes it is.

Obviously wisdom is needed in sharing personal information. There are things that I only share with Erik and Joyce. They are my safe people. There are deeply personal things that they know that I may never share with anyone else. There are things that I might not mind sharing but they would expose or hurt other people that I know, therefore I won’t share those things (not unless those people gave me consent to do so.) But many, MANY things in my life are free game. My why is simple: because the more I share the more likely I am to encounter someone struggling with something similar and have the opportunity to be an encouragement to them or find someone who can be an encouragement to me. 

Here’s the deal with taking the risk to be vulnerable about your life and whats going on. It scares people. Several years ago I was going through a rough season. I had walked away from finishing up a dream experience in the Christian world that turned out to be one of the hardest seasons of my life. It took me about 6-8 years to finally come to a place of peace after it. (I can be a stubborn and slow learner at times.) I couldn’t read my bible, couldn’t listen to worship, went to church but struggled to connect. I sat in my car one day and screamed at God “I HATE YOU! And if I could walk away from you I would!” I knew I couldn’t though. I had encountered Him too many times in my life to walk away, it was impossible. But boy was I angry. There were so many questions I wanted answered. And in that season, mixed with lots of immaturity, I would post rants on FB. And there was always one lady, a pastor, who replied. My questions and anger made her so uncomfortable. She always had an answer for me, a ‘fix’. Her answers where always good. They were the right answers, but she had no desire to understand, therefore I had no desire to listen.  Theres a great quote from Theodore Roosevelt that goes, “Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.”

Stick with me here, I promise this will all tie together in the end….I hope.

My everyday life, the attitude I keep around my children, my choice to complain or to lay down my life in service towards my family’s meals, laundry, needs, etc…is just as much a manifestation of ‘working out my salvation with fear and trembling’ (Phillipians 2:12) as is my worship, bible reading, and church going. Those things are vitally important and life giving, but the place where I have the greatest amount of opportunity to worship and lay down my life as a living sacrifice is where the majority of my life is spent. And for me, thats in housework and cooking. I spend a lot of time hating those things and complaining. I also spend a lot of time trying to find the balance of making sure I’m not playing the martyr. But in the end, when I remember the truth and I decide to choose, I tell the Lord that I will give it my all, as though I’m cooking for Him, then my attitude usually follows, along with the atmosphere in my house and the way I treat my family. My service, my ‘day in and day out’ becomes a sweet smelling fragrance. It becomes worship. Sometimes its easy to show up at church when the music is going, the prayer team has been praying into the atmosphere, the worship team has put in the work to lead you easily into a place of worship. But sometimes the most sacrificial and beautiful worship is in the choice you make to make every part of your life, even the really messy, hated and mundane parts of your life an act of worship to Him. Here’s some really real ways I’ve worshipped lately:
-I’ve woken up in the middle of the night with an unexplainable panic attack. I went down this list of things I knew to get out of it, natural and spiritual. Then I finally went on a walk at 4am and decided “you don’t always have to rescue me for this to be worship.” So I said “Show me where you are. Help me to to fully present even in the panic so I can connect with you.”  The scripture Colossians1:17 came to mind, “And He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.” So even in what feels like utter chaos I knew He was holding me together. Not even the heavy breathes that entered and exited my lungs in that moment were void of His very presence. Whether felt of not, He was there, in every moment, in every breath, holding all of creation together. I focused on my breathing and thanked Him for my breath, for His presence, that everything in my life seen and unseen was held together and existing through Him. A few minutes later the attack ended and I went inside and was able to fall asleep. It may not seem like worship to you, but it was worship. I laid down my ideas of how He should show up for me and I met Him.
-This same thing happened in the middle of the dreaded stomach bug just a few weeks ago. I so desperately wanted to be rescued, I wanted it to end quickly. Instead it ended up being the worst bug I’ve ever had. But in the middle of hugging my porcelain throne I remembered the night of my panic attack and I began to thank Him for a body that was created to be able to expel a virus from my body. I thanked Him for the breaks to rest my body, I thanked Him for my breath, I thanked Him that this would end.
-There’s a part of my life thats majorly in process right. It’s a part I won’t share in detail because it involves my family. Right now it’s a mess. I’m the one at fault. I’m the mess maker. I’ve been making this mess over and over for years. I’ve prayed everything I know to pray, I’ve gone through inner healing, listened to and applied the self help things, but I’m at a loss. Just last night I shared with Erik that I think I need to pursue professional help because I’m at the end of my resources. There’s a part of me that wants to feel shame that I can’t figure this out on my own. But my act of worship is admitting that I don’t have all the answers, believing that God is going to use someone trained in that area to speak truth to me and help me navigate this mess. My worship is laying down my pride for the benefit of those around me. His strength is made perfect in my weakness, therefore I will not run and I will not hide.

All of this is worship, because it’s my life. It’s the things that affect my heart, my family, my friends, my outlook and attitude about life. They are the things that cause me to turn my attention to God and say, “Help Me!”. I encounter God’s presence in corporate worship, but I am transformed into His image when I turn my attention to Him in every moment of my regular day to day life and I search for Him in the storm. I grab hold of Him knowing He is the only one who will bring me through.

Okay, so I’m going to try to simply tie this all together in my answer to what (I hope/or wish) the church is:

First off, the church is the people, not the building. But theres something so important about the gathering together, worshipping and learning together.  All these things are so good and so important, things I love about church. I love encountering His presence corporately.

Secondly, and very importantly, I hope the church is a place where we can be in process. I hope it’s a place where leaders or anyone for that matter can be real, even struggle a little and we can seek to understand before offering solutions or our judgements behind closed doors. I hope that when we speculate and make assumptions about people or hear rumors about how things were handled or said we could stop for a minute and pray for them, ask how we could serve them or honor the gold God placed in their DNA when He created them. And for goodness sakes!! If they say or do something you don’t understand, make an effort to talk to them and try to understand, and if you don’t understand choose love anyways. I hope the church is a little messy. I wish we would put in the effort to talk to people with an open mind, on a case by case basis to try to understand where people are coming from instead of throwing out our black and white blanket statements on facebook. And the reason I hope we could do these things is because when we allow people the space to find the breath of God even in their anger, bad choices, political preferences, mistakes, and the monotony of their everyday lives then we open the door for His breath to fill those same areas in our lives, even the places we are blind to.

Here’s the deal, when you choose to remain open to Him, even in the mess, He will be faithful to tend the garden of your heart. He will pull the weeds when the time is right. He is the gardener, His timing is perfect, His work is impeccable. Just make sure you unlock the gate and trust that He is faithful…not just for you, but for the people you don’t agree with, and whose mess seems a little too out of control. Thats what church is to me.

“Hello darkness, my old friend…”

“Hello darkness, my old friend…” -Simon and Garfunkel

I recently learned that I was a 4 on the enneagram. When I first read the description I was offended. “Melancholy my ass!” I’ve put in a lot of work to not be someone controlled by my emotions. But then I started reading more and listening to podcasts of other 4’s, and I got it. I like to go deep. Scary and dark thoughts don’t scare me, they are things to be explored. I’m always baffled by people who hide from their issues or feelings, and don’t enjoy a good cry. I actually pick movies (not all the time) based on their ability to make me cry. If I don’t cry at least once a month I feel clogged.

 But over all I don’t feel like these are things that define me as a whole. I would say that I spend much more time seeing the good and humor in life than anything else. But every once a while, probably a few times a year, this brooding darkness creeps over the horizon, and this song runs through my head for days “Hello darkness my old friend,I’ve come to talk with you again…” It’s here now. It’s been here for a good week. I used to think it was depression, but I’ve learned over the years that I just want to sit and be artist and alone. As much as it makes me feel heavy and sad, I enjoy it. That feels a little weird to say publicly, because people don’t get it. It’s like a dark enchanted forest. I want to know what’s hiding there. What will I discover about myself this time around? There is always a treasure of self discovery in the darkness. 

The feelings don’t appear out of thin air, obviously something is going on internally that my mind hasn’t caught up to. So when these times come it’s a reminder to my head that I’m not making space to connect with my heart. I’m cluttered, I’m tired, and for weeks I’ve been staring at my laptop from across the room wishing I had an hour or two to sit in silence and write. It’s my escape, my “me time”. But instead I’m worried about letting the laundry go one more day, running errands, cleaning, anything that would put any stress on anyone around me. Because somewhere inside me is a resting illness that is screaming that my job as a wife and mom living the freeloader life is to make sure everything runs seamlessly, smoothly, causes no one stress, and proves that I’m worth my weight in gold. Free time and me time are things to be earned. And the worst part is that no one knows, not until I break down and open my mouth. It’s partially my own damn fault!

But here’s the kicker, and I know I’m not alone in this. The line between loving sacrifice and martyr gets really blurred day in and day out. Carrying the weight of stress alone because you don’t want to stress out your spouse or steal their joy. Asking them to do things you know they don’t want to do, because their life is busy and stressful too, so you keep your mouth shut and tell yourself it’s not a big deal, you can handle it. Making meals that are insulted by your kids. It all slowly erodes away at your joy. At some point you look up and realize you’ve done it again. Your laying on the ground trying to be invisible, needless and there’s no more joy in the sacrifice. 

And there it is.  Meh.

I knew I’d get to the bottom of it if I started to write. So I guess this is the part where I start speaking up again. I do it to myself, little by little I devalue myself and without realizing it I start trying to prove myself by working harder and keeping my head down. But I need to bust my “NO” out again. The laundry will get folded on Friday instead of Thursday, because I’m going to write. If my family is having a bad day it’s not always going to be my fault. And I’m going to ask for what I want, because my family deserves the opportunity to choose ‘yes’ or ‘no’. And if they say ‘no’ it will not break me (for long).

Farewell darkness…I’m sure we’ll meet again.

Heaven : Why should we care?

I have started and restarted this blog at least 3 times now. Every time I get about a paragraph in I think, “this is true, but it’s not what excites me.” I’m all heart guys, if you can connect my heart to something I’m 100% in. So here’s what we’re gonna do, I’m going to link up a few blogs that have some great reasons (they really are great) as to why you should think about Heaven. But then I’m gonna tell you some reasons that excite me. 

All it takes is a simple google search to come up with a ton of great articles and blogs, but here are just a few:

Looking Forward to a Heaven We Can Imagine

This is by far one of the most extensive resources I’ve found for reading about Heaven. A FB friend did mention that he does have a book, but even if you don’t buy it you can still go to his blog and search under the tag ‘Heaven’ and it will bring up about 13 pages worth of blogs. I highly recommend it.

Why on Earth Should We Be Thinking About Heaven?

Why You Need to Think about Heaven (More than You Do)

And now….**Drumroll Please**  Here are 3 of my favorite reasons to think about Heaven:

Imagining what His presence is like in Heaven brings me into His presence here and allows me to release Heaven to others.

Heaven is not a time or place to come, its a parallel universe and we are supposed to bring it to earth. How do you know what that looks like if you aren’t thinking about heaven?

When we are thinking about the Heavenly realm it’s much easier to see problems in the light of Heavens economy and solutions. I think we can all agree that this world has a lot of problems and we could easily sit on our couches having facebook arguments about how we think people should see and do things. OR, we could fix our eyes on Jesus, His heart for unity, the way He demonstrated the kingdom of Heaven on earth and ask for solutions. He doesn’t always respond with conversation. Many times He comes to our thoughts or imagination as we simply think about Him and the Heavenly realm.

Colossians 3:2 “Yes, feast on all the treasures of the heavenly realm and fill your thoughts with heavenly realities, and not with the distractions of the natural realm.”

Jesus told us to pray for Heavenly realities to be made manifest in even the midst of our broken world. So What does that mean? Simple, if theres no brokenness in Heaven, He wants you to pray and release that here to those around you who are suffering.

Matthew 6:9-10  Pray like this:

‘Our Father, dwelling in the heavenly realms,
    may the glory of your name
    be the center on which our lives turn.

Manifest your kingdom realm,
    and cause your every purpose to be fulfilled on earth,
    just as it is fulfilled in heaven.”

Do you have the authority to do that? Yes! Feelings are wonderful guides and terrible masters. You don’t have to feel authority to have authority. Your physical body might be on earth, but when you believed in Christs death and resurrection your spirit was raised with Him and seated in a place of authority. Your authority does no ebb and flow in conjunction with your screw ups. So as you sit with the Father in a place of authority He doesn’t see you smeared with the filth of your bad day or choice, all He sees is blood, the sacrifice of Jesus, you wear it like a royal robe. You have authority, lots of it!

Ephesians 2:6  He raised us up with Christ the exalted One, and we ascended with him into the glorious perfection and authority of the heavenly realm, for we are now co-seated as one with Christ!

Heaven is above us, around us, and IN us. I don’t know about you, but when I think about Jesus being seated at the right hand of the Father, I’m seated there too, I have all the authority that Jesus has to pray and release Heaven on earth, and Heaven is inside of me?! That gets me excited! The helps me feel connected to a physical place that I can pull my authority from and release it. And if Heaven is inside of me, and I’m thinking about and focusing on it’s realities the there’s no way I want to live my life any any way that would dishonor or desecrate the temple of the Holy Spirit. Do I do it, yes, we all do. But Heaven inside me is transforming me. Process, transformation, a journey…..Fulfillment and perfection comes after this body dies.

1 Corinthians 3:16  Don’t you realize that together you have become God’s inner sanctuary and that the Spirit of God makes his permanent home in you?

Ephesians 2:22  This means that God is transforming each one of you into the Holy of Holies, his dwelling place, through the power of the Holy Spirit living in you!

 I think so many people live with a fear that they won’t accomplish enough in this life. But thinking about Heaven not only helps drive the desire to live to your fullest potential on earth, but it also speaks peace to the impending doom that the end is coming and you’ll never accomplish anything again. 

God created us for work, we will have purpose and jobs in Heaven. In a part world (the Garden of Eden) God created Adam and then gave him work to do, then he also gave him a companion and a helper. Its the turmoil, and pain, etc that were from the curse, not the work. 

Have you spent your life trying to figure out what your passion is, or maybe you know but you just haven’t been able to make it work. Can you imagine knowing exactly what it is you are made for that makes your heart soar with pleasure, and it’s easy?! Fruit will come of everything that you put your hands to do. Can you imagine the joy and satisfaction, you will have and the glory you will bring the Father as you live in the fullness of what you were created for! That’s what we’re all striving for on earth, right? To do that thing that makes us come alive, that we were made for!

Destroying my fears about heaven helped me to move past my fears in this life. 

If you want to hear a little more about some of my struggles with fear you can read about it here. I was really good at living a life consumed by fear. Maybe you don’t feel like you deal with fear to that extreme, but have you ever been worried? A little anxious? We all have and I’m sure we will fall prey to it again and again before this life is over. But we have been given a tool, and if we catch ourselves going down the rabbit hole we can whip out our handy-dandy tool and get out of that rabbit hole before things get too dark and scary. You want the tool??

Phillipians 4:6-8 Don’t be pulled in different directions or worried about a thing. Be saturated in prayer throughout each day, offering your faith-filled requests before God with overflowing gratitude. Tell him every detail of your life, 7 then God’s wonderful peace that transcends human understanding, will make the answers known to you through Jesus Christ. 8 So keep your thoughts continually fixed on all that is authentic and real, honorable and admirable, beautiful and respectful, pure and holy, merciful and kind. And fasten your thoughts on every glorious work of God,praising him always.

 Let me put it in even simpler terms: Pray! Focus on Jesus and His presence. If there’s ANYTHING good in your life, thank Him for it, no matter how big or small. Tell Him everything cause He wants to know, even though He already knows it all. And if you’ll let Him into your life in that way He’s gonna let you know what to do. He’s going to give you strategies and answers and peace that doesn’t even make sense! So just take your eyes off of everything thats wrong and dark and go hunting for good and the light and everything will come into the perspective of Heaven.  That right there will destroy fear!

So there you have it. They are simple but powerful and they have transformed the way I think and live. Living in the light of Heaven will change your life, your perspective and the lives of people around you. So spend a little more time thinking about Heaven; what it’s like now, what it will be like when Jesus returns and you get to be audience to the creation of the new heavens and earth. It’s going to be a wild ride for eternity.

Heaven : The Exploration

Heaven: The Exploration

A few years ago a movie came out called Avatar. You may have seen it, it was kind of a big deal. I remember going to see it in 3D and being blown away. I never told anyone back then, but sitting in that theater God began a conversation with me about Heaven. I remember being in awe of this world someone had created using their imagination with beautiful bioluminescent plants and floating islands. It was beautiful and beyond anything I had ever imagined. I sat and thought to myself, ‘If there were a place like this on earth I would go.” No sooner had I had that thought when I heard in my spirit “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has imagined what I have prepared.” The voice that I heard was referring to this scripture:

1 Corinthians 2:9-10“…. But, as it is written,”What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him. 10 But God now unveils these profound realities to us by the Spirit.Yes, he has revealed to us his inmost heart and deepest mysteries through the Holy Spirit, who constantly explores all things.”

Side note: I had often heard the first part of that scripture, but I was blown away by verse 10! By His Spirit He unveils REALITIES, His heart, His mysteries!! He constantly EXPLORES all things! There’s a good chance this scripture is actually talking about God’s master plan to save everyone through the death of His son. However, have you ever read anything in the Bible that has had different applications every time you have read it? (As long as it’s consistent with the character and love of Jesus found all throughout the word) It doesn’t make the new revelation a lie because it’s not the same application every time, it means that you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing when you read the word, encountering Jesus! Revelation 19:13 says that His title is called the “Word of God”. The Word is alive and active, waiting to speak to you, encounter you, transform you, reveal mysteries, and EXPLORE all things!

Ok, back to business. 

After I heard those words it was like an explosion of curiosity and creativity went off inside of me. I was filled with so many questions and ideas. When I used to think of Heaven, and I didn’t often, I would picture a big room with ugly wood paneling on the walls, filled to the brim with people, and a stuffy and detached God sitting on His throne at the front of the room, motionless and emotionless. Of course there was the giant city made of gold and gems, full of light, but in my head the streets were always empty because apparently, as I had believed, everyone would be so consumed with all that worship that there would be no time for frivolous things like exploring and enjoying life. Does this sound familiar to you? Maybe you’ve never struggled with imagining Heaven being worship service overload. But if you have would you be willing to imagine some new possibilities with me?

First, lets establish a couple things before we begin ‘exploring all things with the Holy Spirit”.

1. We are made in God’s image. He does have a physical body that sits on a throne, HOWEVER, His presence, not His body, is Omnipresent. Everywhere, everytime, all the time.

                       Pslams 139:7-8 “Where could I go from your Spirit?

                                   Where could I run and hide from your face?

                                               If I go up to heaven, you’re there!

                     If I go down to the realm of the dead, you’re there too!”

2. Worship is not just singing. It’s taking everything that you do with your body or mind and doing it before the Lord, to bring Him pleasure, as a love offering. 

                         Romans 12:1 “ Beloved friends, what should be our proper response to God’s marvelous mercies? I encourage you to surrender yourselves to          

                           God to be his sacred, living sacrifices. And live in holiness, experiencing all that delights his heart. For this becomes your genuine  

                             expression of worship.”

3. His Glory is everywhere. On earth we move from glory to glory, but in Heaven we will will live in the full revelation of His glory at all times. 

                                             

                               Romans 11:36 For everything comes from Him and exists by His power and is intended for His glory. All glory to Him forever! Amen.”

4. Relationships with other people: This one is a mystery really, because there will be no marriage or dating. We will be the Bride of Christ, but here’s some food for thought: there will not be a trillion individual Brides, we will be ONE. There will be so much unity and love, it’s something that we don’t even really have a grid for, but it’s so worth trying to explore what it would look like and feel like. Perhaps the closest thing might be a good marriage. There are times I think that no one in the world could ever understand me or be more perfect for me than my husband, the closeness I feel is indescribable! It almost feels like cheapening or dishonoring the marriage covenant to imagine feeling that kind of closeness and love for EVERYONE. But again, no grid! Perhaps it’s like thinking that you couldn’t possibly love another child because you’ve already given all of your love to your first child. But then that second one comes along and you realize that you don’t take love from one to give to the other, love just grows.

                          

                                      1 Corinthians 12:12 Just as the human body is one, though it has many parts that together form one body, so too is Christ. 13 For by one Spirit we all were immersed and mingled into one single body.

Ok, so if His presence is everywhere, Worship is more than singing, it’s living, and everything created brings Him glory, then I think it’s safe to assume that Heaven will be more than always being in the presence of a physical God, singing songs. We will do those things and they will be amazing beyond our wildest imagination!! But my purpose in writing is to get you thinking outside of the box, like a child. A childlike heart would look at a movie like Avatar and wonder, “Are there bioluminescent plants in colors I’ve never imagined? Is it possible that there could be islands suspended in air? I wonder if I could jump on the back of an animal and soar through the air laughing hysterically with joy because the experience is overwhelming me with another encounter of His glory?’

What if you finally get to hug that lion? You know anyone who has ever watched the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe is waiting for that day!

What if you finally get to climb that mountain that was too expensive to get to and your earthly body would have never made it up? 

What if you get to swim with whales and sharks and dolphins, without fear of harm or running out of air under water?

What if you get to sit with people from different times and cultures and talk and learn new and exciting things? Will you know everything about everyone? Or will it be constant discovery? 

Will we know everything about God instantly? Or will we be discovering Him for eternity? (My personal belief is that Heaven will be endless discovery because only God is Omniscient.)

Will we be able to fly? I don’t know for sure, but I do know that when Jesus rose from the grave in His resurrected body that He ascended into Heaven, and when He returns we will meet Him in the sky. Kinda sounds like flying to me. He also appeared to people, and then disappeared. And showed up in rooms full of people even though the door was locked.

Will we eat? Again, I’m not sure. But, Jesus in His resurrected body asked for fish to eat. And He talks about ’The wedding feast of the Lamb’ when He returns. We will have no NEED of food, but perhaps we will have it just for pleasure and celebration.

Will we be able to explore outer space? The deepest depths of the oceans? Will you constantly be getting to know new people or will you mostly hang with certain people?

Will the river of gladness that flows from God’s throne sound like laughter? Some of the accounts of people that have died and gone to Heaven then returned to their bodies, have said that it does.  

What if…? There are too many possibilities to list. Sometimes when my girls are scared, or even just randomly, we take turns talking about the adventures we plan to have in Heaven, and they’re wild. They are never afraid of getting it wrong, because in their minds nothing is impossible with God. So what would you do? Where would you go? Who would you talk to?

It’s important that you think about Heaven, it’s never a waste of time. Next week will be my final blog in this series on Heaven and I’ll be talking about why it’s important to think about Heaven.

Heaven (part 1)

As a child I can remember becoming very aware that one day my parents would die. I’d crawl out of bed crying and interrupt their precious alone time and start asking questions about when they would die, hoping they could offer me some hope. I remember one time they told me that they would no longer be married in Heaven. My little kid brain took that to mean that all memories of their life and relationships on earth would be erased. I was traumatized! I didn’t ask many more questions, but I remember thinking “What a cruel God! He allows us to have children, fall in love, travel the world experiencing wonderful things, pursue dreams and then we die and He takes it all away. Then we have to go stand in a giant sanctuary and sing songs for eternity! That sounds more like hell.”

The years passed and I didn’t give much thought to my future home, other than shooting up a quick prayer that God wouldn’t take me their before I had checked off all the grand adventures on my list. Marriage, kids, travel, etc because once I got there the adventure would end.  It wasn’t until I was in college and my grandparents began coming around a little more that I began to think about Heaven again. My dads parents, Bob and Mariel, had given their lives to bible translation and lived in the Philippines for as long as I had been alive. They would travel to the states occasionally, but we didn’t spend a lot of time together. I was attending bible college in Florida and they stopped by in their RV and microwaved up some mini Crystals burgers and quiches, the meal I remember eating with them almost every time we met in that RV. My Grandpa would always encourage me to write out the scriptures and memorize them because there was life in the word. And he and my grandma would always talk with such excitement about the coming of the Lord. I’ve never met anyone who was truly looking forward to eternity like they did. And it made me curious. My grandparents moved back to the states about 15 years ago (I think). My Grandpa died almost 2 years ago now, and every time I would see them at family gatherings he was always lost in his own little world softly whispering under his breath “Thank you Jesus, we worship you Jesus.” For every birthday he never wanted gifts, he just wanted us to worship together as a family. When he died I have never been more convinced of anyone’s overwhelming joy of being with Jesus.

Around the time my grandpa died I had lost several Great Aunts and Uncles within just a few years. My kids had been dragged around to a few funerals and they started to ask questions about death and Heaven. The very same questions that I had at their age. I remember one night trying to talk to Zion (my oldest) about Heaven and assure her that she would recognize me if I came to Heaven after her. I wanted to assure her that she was going to love it so much that she wouldn’t be sitting around, sad, just waiting for me. That created a new fear, “what if I’m having such a good time and you come to Heaven and I don’t know and we never meet or find each other?” After that night I became determined that my kids would have such an excitement in their hearts to experience Heaven and be with Jesus that it would never strike fear in their hearts.  I’m not sure that I’ve accomplished that 100%, but I can tell you that when we talk about Heaven it’s always an exciting conversation filled with joy and endless possibilities.

So I’m curious, when you really sit down and think about Heaven, does it cause anxiety? Is it the end of life as you know it, or a grand adventure that is just beginning? Does the thought of a never ending worship service in an overcrowded room sound like bliss, or is it possible that there is so much more to Heaven and worship? Do you fear leaving your family and friends behind?

These are some things I’d like to explore in the next few weeks. I am by no means an expert on Heaven. The extent of my research has been listening to a few audio books on peoples experiences with dying and then returning to earth, a few scriptures about Heaven, and a lot of exploring the limitless possibilities of Heaven within my limited mind. So if you’re up for exploring what might lay ahead in eternity then check in for part 2 on Heaven. In the meantime I’d love to know your concerns or things you’re looking forward to for eternity in the comments.

Come Out Of Hiding, You're Safe Here With Me

This was something I wrote a little over a year ago. It's a huge part of my story. My desire in telling it over and over again in different ways is that it would bring freedom and hope to anyone dealing with fear or anxiety. If you would like to hear the message I preached recently at church talking about this same subject then scroll down and click the link posted at the bottom.

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Imagine with me that someone hands you a card and inside is a gift card for a spa day. You thank them profusely telling them how much you been desiring a relaxing day. They leave and you jump in the car to head to the spa. But on the way there your mind wanders to everything that could go wrong while your gone. Your house could burn down, you could get in a wreck on the way there, you could get a brain eating amoeba from the water at the spa… So many potentially horrific things could happen!!😱 So you decide that the 'wise' thing to do would be to not indulge in a moment of pleasure but instead think about your future. So you go to the spa, cash in your gift card and drive straight to the insurance agency to get the best insurance policy to cover every horrific thing that could happen in your life or death. And at the end of the day you have taken a gift that was meant for relaxation and pleasure for that day and you have spent the whole thing on future events that will most likely never happen. And if they do, that insurance won't spare you pain, only some money.

Now, please realize that this is NOT about insurance-insurance is great.

 This is about GRACE and FEAR.

Matthew 6:34 msg "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

So many times we read over this verse like we've heard it a million times and in doing so it's lost all its truth and power. But the reality is that each day and moment comes with a gift: grace for the moment. Not grace for tomorrow or next year. But we think we know better and we try to figure out the future without God, because surely He won't be able to provide ALL that we need in the future. Fear and anxiety creep in and convince us that living fully engaged in today is frivolous so we should cash in our grace for fear. Fear will steal every last drop of hope and joy from your life. You will live waiting for the other foot to fall, because all good things must come to an end, right??! Why hope for anything good, disappointment is a faithful friend. This is the dark battle I began to fight a few years ago. 

I'm a pretty optimistic person, but the things that were happening in my heart weren't lining up with what was happening on the outside.

Until they did...

As I sat in my rocking chair nursing Sophia one night I heard the most booming whisper in my spirit, "Do you trust me?" To which I replied, "Of course, Lord" He asked again and my heart began to pound. But my answer was the same. In my mind I didn't even realize I had begun to panic "Why is He asking me this?? Is He about to doing something horrible?? Will he take my children or my husband? Are we about to find out someone has cancer. He wouldn't need me to trust Him unless something terrible is on the horizon..." He asked again and suddenly I looked down at this sweet child sleeping in my arms and thought, "No, I don't trust you! Because if I trust you with my children I'm afraid you will take them away" I had finally had a moment of truth with God and I felt so exposed that I began to sob. 

I wish I could tell you that I had a long and in depth conversation with God that helped me to fully trust Him and break off all the lies I had been believing that night. But instead it has been a beautiful and hard journey that has completely wrecked me in the most wonderful way! I didn't even think about that conversation for many months. Then one night I lay in my bed to go to sleep and my heart began pounding so hard and I felt like I was being suffocated, thoughts of horrible things began racing through my mind and I was paralyzed. It happened again and again for about 3 weeks. I would watch things happening around me as though I was stuck inside this giant bubble. I couldn't hear or feel. I was terrified of even trying to feel joy for fear of it bringing on another panic attack. About a week into this I found out I was pregnant. 

Isis began beheading people. There was an Ebola case in the states-in MY state.

And I found out that I was bringing a child into this world. And I began to pray that I would miscarry. I still can't write, say, or even think those words to this day without crying. 

No one knew what to do with me,

But God.

I remember sitting down one morning and listening to a song by Steffany Gretzinger called Out of Hiding.

"Come out of hiding

You're safe here with Me

There's no need to cover

What I already see

You've got your reasons

But I hold your peace

You've been on lockdown

And I hold the key"

And I saw this picture of the Lord coaxing me out of this tiny cave, with no room to move or enjoy life, and as I timidly came out I was standing in a flat, dry, cracked desert with Jesus right next to me and I was surrounded by enemy armies about a mile away. I felt so exposed but so safe in that moment. And I knew He was saying to me that He was going to walk me through this and my enemy will see me but they are powerless to come near as I walk this out. Looking back I realize that I had given my enemies every weapon they had and in walking exposed in the safety of Jesus' arms I began to disarm every one of them. 

Those 3 weeks were my lowest point and also the greatest invitation into freedom. I was forced to live in the moment, because if I jumped ahead at all I had a panic attack. I would wake up in the morning and ask what do you want me to do today Holy Spirit? Some days it was a walk to lower my anxiety getting out of bed. One day He told me to get in the pool with my kids and smile. He led me to an amazing Christian acupuncturist who helped me a ton. He had me seek out inner healing. I turned off the TV completely except to watch something that would make me laugh. I listened to every message on hope and trust I could find and I invited trusted and powerful people into my daily struggle who prayed with me and trusted the process of healing. And through it all I began to see a God who cared that I laughed and that my children felt loved and safe. He wasn't a 'miracle working God who was simply amping up our faith for the horrible time to come', that was some terrible theology 🤢! He's a good Father! So that means he's a million times better/more caring/more involved/loving/sacrificial/and protective than any earthly Father. And yet he trusts me with His kids 😶😭. I want Him on my team.

The same person who sat in that chair and finally admitted that she didn't trust God with her children (even though we had dedicated them😜) is the same person who can tell you today that He is the most trustworthy source of hope and life and joy that I know. And on a daily basis I close my eyes and fall into His arms and TRUST that He will catch me. Some days I still struggle, I find myself with my mind wandering ahead of my grace and I remember how exhausting it is to live without hope and to forfeit today's beauty for tomorrow's sorrow.

Today when I close my eyes I see myself in a beautiful field of wildflowers. I see freedom and room to run. I'm still exposed but I'm enveloped in this shield of unconditional love and trust. I'm in His heart. And I live so convinced that my love and trust has captured His gaze. He sees me, he holds me when I'm scared and He finds me when I've crawled by into my cave to hide. 

I will give my life to helping others see and hear the voice of Love calling to them "Come out of hiding, you're safe here with me." 

Your Spirit is a Warrior message

Beautiful things are in the womb of a seed

Rain is falling softly this morning and the sun still shines brightly behind a veil of sheer clouds. Its just enough light that when you walk outside and smell the refreshing of the rain and the sun still lighting the sky that your heart seems to stand tall, as though it had hunched over without you realizing it.

  I take a deep breath and realize that my heart has been heavy with the suffering I see. My heart wants to know the right words or things to do that will rescue them from pain.

  But the rain reminds me of the seed that must go down into the soil, into the darkness, alone, and die. Its cracked open, it looks like destruction, but then suddenly the rain comes and wets the soil. The soil; the darkness and isolation, the thing that feel like its been suffocating you, becomes life and nutrition. You find yourself feasting off of your destruction. You look at your little seedling body, cracked and destroyed beyond repair,  “This shouldn’t be, it isn’t right! No one could survive being filleted like this.” , but then you begin to see life shooting up and growing out of the remains of your heart. It looks so small and weak, it couldn’t possibly make its way through the thick darkness! But the refreshing rain causes the darkness to become soft and pliable and this weak little sprouts pushes its way out desperate to feel the Sun shining. That tiny little sprout makes it through and becomes whatever that tiny seed had been carrying around for years. A tree, a flower, something edible, life-giving. And as that tree or flower grows, basking in the Sun, boasting of the beauty that came from its death, that little seed remains in the ground, becoming the life source and anchor for the restoration that sprouted from destruction. And every time the rain falls the little seed sprouts legs and arms the dig deep and wide into the darkness that has become a source of life.

John 12:24 “A single grain of wheat will never be more than a single grain of wheat unless it drops into the ground and dies. Because then it sprouts and produces a great harvest of wheat—all because one grain died.”

Suffering and pain are fascinating subjects to me. They used to be something I never wanted to think about or be around. They terrified me. I thought God had planned out points of extreme pain or suffering in my life so that I could be of use to Him, a pawn of sorts. I was always waiting for the other boot to drop anytime things seemed good. But I seemed to have forgotten there is an enemy. John 10:10 “ A thief has only one thing in mind—he wants to steal, slaughter,and destroy. But I have come to give you everything in abundance, more than you expect—life in its fullness until you overflow!“ 

 Though I still don’t wish pain and suffering to be a part of my life, I see an undeniable beauty not just from the life and restoration that comes from them but the terrified yet obedient surrender of one who lets others come close to share in their pain. Theres nothing more precious to me than when someone shares their deepest pain, anger, grief, regret, etc with me knowing that I have no power to rescue them only to sit in silence as they release the pressure on the valve. So often we don’t want to burden others with our suffering, but we want nothing more than to not be alone as we walk through it.  At some point we let that tension catapult us into isolation, or to bear the most raw and tender places of our souls hoping that someone will just BE with us. 

  I don’t understand suffering and how there seems to almost be a need for it. I suppose its a product of our fallen world. Because Eden was created to reflect Heaven. No suffering, no pain. But now in our world it almost seems as though everything of value comes from a place of pain or destruction. Pearls are formed by years of irritation, diamonds by extreme heat and pressure, forests return with vibrant beauty after wildfires, those who were once abandoned now rescue children, those who were abused help others escape, those who have suffered tell their story and offer hope, those who knew no laughter or joy are now filled with laughter, those who had no family are surrounded by family, God became man, suffered and ultimately died to restore hope and life.

  This morning the rain reminded me of one of my favorite Childrens books, ’It will be okay.” My kids don’t really care for it, but I nearly cry every time I read it. And I just wanted to encourage some of my friends walking through dark places, that beautiful things are in the womb of a seed.

Love and History

https://www.facebook.com/saragroves/videos/10153325403015598/

I was watching this video today and it 1:44 I just lost it. (sorry for the link, but I'm not to blog savvy) when my children were just a little younger, not so long ago. We walked through some rough seasons together. Nothing horrible, just me learning to be a mom. You know, all that fun stretching and dying stuff ;). And of course throw in some very strong-willed girls. I would have watched a video like this and thought "we may never make it to have that kind of relationship." I have felt like I was failing more times that I can count. And spent many days wondering why I wasn't like all those other moms whom mothering came to so easily. But one day I realized something had changed. Every relationship changes and morphs as you grow together. So I wanted to write this as a reminder to myself and for anyone else who might need to hear it. Toddler years can be so rough, But don't discount the history that is being built.

            Love and History

When your children are firstborn there is this sort of unexplainable love it just consumes you. I want to say it's hormonal, but I don't want to reduce it to that. It's a love that is impossible to have ever known until you have children of your own. And it's mind blowing that you can love so fiercely someone you have never met, and have no history with.

Then, for me at least, after about 3-5 years that love morphs into something new. The old love isn't gone, but now you have a history. 

You've gone through Illnesses, frustrations, great highs, and great lows. You probably gone through seasons of feeling like all you do is sacrifice and wonder if you'll ever see re-ward.

  Even the worst of seasons always come with great moments and great victories. They aren't forgotten or even overshadowed but they are quickly stored away in your heart under a file called 'history'. 

You may be walking through life for years at times changing diapers, cooking meals, barely making it through the day and wondering what you even accomplished. If you're like me you probably repent a million times a day for ever thinking that moms were lazy or  undisciplined.

But then...

One day you look at them and you just melt. These wonderful little people who you have such an intense history with have absolutely stolen your heart. And it's not just the good moments that I've made your history rich, but it's the battles you've walked through together. 

It's the battle of the heart and the mind where you've come to realize your time spent with them is not just significant to them but to the world.

It's the battle for the inheritance and legacy that you want to leave to future generations.

It's the battles  you've fought for their health and their attitudes. Teaching them how to manage their emotions, and express them appropriately.

It's the battle you fought for them to always know how deeply you love them even when you're frustrated with them.

It's the battle you're continually fighting for them to know the Father's heart, and to always teach them His ways.

One day I hope my children look back and don't just see a mother who showered them with love and affection every day, but a mother who went to war for them. And even though it may have felt at times that I was at war with them I hope and pray they see a treasure in the history too.

I am so thrilled that I get to spend a lifetime knowing and loving these 3 incredible little women so intimately and deeply. And I love knowing that our days spent together, though most are mundane, will have ripple effects throughout history.

God laughs

A few nights ago around 2 am I was awoken by a blood curdling scream that sent me from a deep sleep to Z's side in a matter of seconds. She's had nightmares before but never anything that had her screaming like that. We prayed together and I got a shower ready for her while I changed her sheets. She had wet the bed, which she never does. 

After her shower we were talking and I let her know that any time she is scared she can always ask Jesus,

"Where are you and what are you doing?"

 So we decided to practice together. She closed her eyes and I told her to look around her room in her mind until she knew where Jesus was. It took a few minutes to get her to focus. First she saw the ninja turtles, then penguins, but then she saw Him. He was in the corner. So we closed our eyes again to find out what he was doing. Immediately she began to giggle uncontrollably and yelled out "He's laughing!".

And like a flash of lightning I had a download of information straight from the Father to my heart. And I heard these words, 

"I am never laughing at you, but my laugh is for you."

Psalms 2:4 “He Who sits in the heavens laughs; the Lord has them in derision [and in supreme contempt He mocks them].”

It's suddenly dawned on me that I have a hard time with the image of Jesus laughing. It's not that I have a problem with it theologically or anything, it's just not a part of Him that I've really had an encounter with. He's always been a Comforter or a Father, far more serious than just a friend to laugh with.  

But my child now has a revelation of a God who is always near and laughs in the face of fear. And fear cannot stand in the presence of the Joy of the Lord. He goes to war for us with laughter. And because of my daughter I hear His laugh too. 

Raelynn Joy Uunila-birth story

Born May 7th 2015 around 9:35pm. She was 8lbs 12oz (I think 😬 I'll have to double check that) and 21inches long.

I decided to have Raelynn at home. I had my first two at a birthing center, and I had always wanted a homebirth. Erik and I had decided that since my first two births were healthy we felt comfortable doing a homebirth. I was 8 days overdue with Zion, and 9 days overdue with Sophia. So I expected to be overdue again, though I still got my hopes really high that I would go into labor early. Of course week 39 rolled around and nothing but a bunch of Braxton Hicks contractions were happening.

Then both girls got strep throat.

We got anabiotic's and got over that.

Then I got the worst chest cold I've ever had in my life! I sounded like I was trying to hack up a lung 24/7.

When I was about three days overdue I woke up in the middle of the night to go pee, I went pee and stood up to wash my hands and started having a coughing spell and "water" went everywhere. So I cleaned up, and went and laid down and my contractions started around 2 AM with just enough pain that I couldn't sleep, but weren't getting any closer together. So in the morning I called my midwives to see if they could come by and check me to see how far along I was since my water had broken. We made phone calls, and sent text to family letting them know my water had broken and we would probably have a baby in the next 24 hours. I believe around 10 AM my contractions stopped. I was so frustrated! My midwives decided to come later in the afternoon. So I went for a walk around the neighborhood trying to get contractions going again. After a couple hours they started again. Again with enough intensity to be painful but still not getting closer together.

My midwives were headed over in the afternoon, so I called my mom and sister and tell them to go ahead and head over because this was it. Everyone got here around the same time ready to meet a baby. My midwives checked to make sure my water had broken as I had thought the night before. Turns out I had just peed all over myself!!

Hahaha!

And once again my contractions stopped. My midwives let me know I was only dilated to a 2. They let me know that they've seen this happen so many times with people that are really sick. Their body is ready to go into labor and labor will start but then keep stopping because they need rest. So the doctors orders were to see if my parents could take the kids for the next few days. Take the anabiotic that I've been refusing to take. And get in bed and try to sleep as much as possible. I was also told I could drink a glass of red wine to help me sleep.

So my sister and mom left and took my kids, I went and got my anabiotic and some red wine and went to bed for the rest of the day. I had no more contractions until about 2 am again the next morning. It was the same pattern they continued until midmorning, then stopped. 

My midwives were so sweet and came out again to check me. This time I was dilated to a four. But again everything had stopped. They had advised me to try to get some more rest. And try to encourage me that once things really got go in that I would probably give birth quickly.

So once again everyone left and I decided to have a nice warm bath drink an extra big glass of red wine and take a sleeping pill. Don't judge! 😂

And of course after I got in bed with all that lovely stuff in my system my contractions started again. I think I was able to get about 30 minutes to an hour of sleep before I just couldn't stand it anymore. So I got up and decided to start cleaning since the kids were gone. By this point I think it was around 4 or 5 in the afternoon. I noticed my contractions had a little bit more intensity but still weren't getting any closer together. So I just kept cleaning and eventually let Eric know we might be having a baby that night or the next day. 

Around 6 pm Erik came out of his office and my contractions were pretty intense but weren't any closer together. He could tell that I was in active labor, but I still wasn't ready to admit it. I just didn't want to get my hopes up again. Finally after a really hard contraction I agreed that this was it.

And let him know I should eat something before labor really got intense. I wanted steak and Caesar salad. Erik ran down the street to the store and cooked the steak within about 15 minutes. He put that beautiful steak on my plate and cut off the first bite for me and I took one look at it and told him I couldn't eat. I felt so bad, but in that short amount of time I had hit transition and didn't even know it.

Thank God for a husband that recognizes transition though :-). Erik kept insisting that we should go ahead and start filling up the birthing pool. I kept telling him no because I thought I'd be in labor for so many more hours and didn't want the water to get cold. Thankfully he made the executive decision and went ahead and started feeling it. When it was only about halfway full I came in the room and let him know I needed to get in. I jumped in the pool and those deep transitional groans began.

I remember feeling so bad calling my mom and the midwives and asking them to come over. I thought for sure that I hadn't progressed but I really just wanted more support there with me. Within 30 minutes my midwives, my mom, and my sister had all showed up. It's funny how on the outside I totally would have known I was in transition. But when you're the one going through it you kind of feel crazy. I was letting out these deep painful groans and as soon as my mom and midwives walked in the room they knew I was about to have a baby. I was in my own little world.

My midwives wouldn't check me unless I asked them to. And I didn't want anybody touching me with a 10 foot pole unless it was for comfort :-). With my last two I always progressed to about an 8 and then I would stall out until my water broke, so I expected the same. My water hadn't broken so I figured I was probably going to be stuck until my water broke.

About an hour and a half or so after everyone had gotten there I remember getting on my hands and knees, and in my head I swear I thought I was screaming, but on the video I'm silent. I decided to go ahead and get a little practice push and see if anything happened or if I could break my water. I remember giving a little push and feeling something weird come out. I had on a skirt so no one could see anything and it was dark in the room. I reach down and felt that I had pushed out her head and the reason it felt weird was because she was still in the sack! I gave it one more good push and she came right out and her little butt floated straight up to the top of the water. As soon as I grabbed her the water sack broke and all the gasps of amazement and shock started.  No one had a clue that I was pushing her out. She came into this world so peacefully and let let out one little cry and that was it. It was so fitting for her personality, since that day she has been the most peaceful, calm and happy baby and such a joy to be around!

My DFW bucket list for toddlers

Don't get your hopes up.

 I'm not gonna start blogging again 😜.

I just needed to make a list...cause I like lists. I really like lists on paper, but since links and paper don't work we'll together then a blog it is.

I'm trying to compile a list of play dates that are somewhat conveniently located between myself (in south Arlington) and a friend (in Grapevine). I would like for them to be mostly indoors and air conditioned, free or very cheap a majority of the time, great for expending lots of energy, and safe to let my 1 year old run around and climb everything.
I'm not really a fan of library events, my kids won't sit still for that stuff and it doesn't wear them out. Indoor playgrounds at fast food joints are usually overcrowded and dirty and I can't keep my dang kids in them! They'd rather try to spend their time escaping. I already know of lots of great parks its just way to hot, and we have a pool so we have lots of play dates at home involving water already.

SOOOO, after you've read through my list below and have gleaned from my vast knowledge 😂, and have read my likes and dislikes above, then please please do share any recommendations you have that might fit into our framework!


The Ark at Grace Point Church in Coppell
Free
I haven't been yet, but it seems like a nice clean, safe place for the kids.

Royal Jump at the Parks Mall in Arlington
$6 for kids
$4 for adults
before 2 pm (all day pass)
This is a massive room full of bounce houses and lots of small ones for toddlers.
You have to watch your kids though, it's madness when it's crowded (so go as early in the day as possible). I found a little boy smacking my 1yr old over and over with a part of a bounce house and also found a little girl trying to 'help' pick my 1 yr old up tightly by her neck 😳! All that craziness happened after 3 pm. I've been twice around 10/11am-ish and its been a ghost town.

JumpStreet trampoline park in Colleyville
$4 all day
Just did this for the first time today and my kids had a blast and were begging to go to bed on the ride home 👍. Went with a friend and all our kids are under 4 so we had to stay in the under 7 area which is just a bounce house and then 3 big rectangular trampolines that partially slice up the wall. There are monitors watching the kids to make sure no ones beating each other up or breaking rules, but you still have to keep a bit of an eye on your kids.


The Tubes at Irving Bible Church
Free
I haven't been in a few months but this is a massive church and the Tubes are like the chick fila playground on steroids. It's padded, has an area for smaller kids, is surrounded by glass and only has one door in and out. And AIRCONDITIONED!  There's seating all around and a coffee shop just down the hall a ways.


Gateway Church in Southlake indoor play place
Free
I haven't been yet, and there website is incredibly annoying because there is no information about their playground! But you can check out this website for pictures:
http://worldsofwow.blogspot.com/2010/11/gateway-church.html
You will just have to call and ask if the kids building is open that day. I called today and it was closed for vbs, so be sure to check before you go.

Texas Discovery Gardens in Fair Park (Dallas)
Prices vary
So this is further than I prefer to drive, but I guess if I'm desperate my daughter would really enjoy watching the butterfly release. They do it every day at noon.

Dallas World Aquarium
Terribly overpriced! But its one of those things you've just got to do.
$21 for adults
$13 for ages 3-12
Under 3 is free though, so I figure I better get my butt up there before Z turns 3 in a few months.


Okay, don't forget to share your hidden dfw gems!

Sophia's birth

Just like every mom, I was sure I was going to go early this time :-) So Erik's mom came to town a week before my due date. She only had 2 weeks with us so we figured if I go a little early shell be here when the baby's born, and if not my midwife was going to try to induce at 40 weeks due to my having gestational diabetes and high blood pressure. So it was supposed to be win win. Well, my due date came and I was dialated, effaced, nothing! So my midwife said I would take cyotec orally every 4 hours until contractions were going steadily on their own. Now, this drug is pretty mild when taken orally it really won't force your body into something it's not ready to do. She had never had anyone do more than 3 days worth without going into labor. I was SURE though that it would only take one day for me! Well, we ended up doing two days straight. Lots of contractions and no progress! So we did a rest day and then started again for two days, still nothing! So another break this time for two days, then on day 8 past my EDD we started again. I ended up having two pills and when time came to take a third I called my midwife to tell her my contractions hadn't died down this time, they were still going. So she said to just wait and see what happened and if they stopped to just get some rest and we would discuss where to go from there. So we hung up and of course the contractions started dying down. So we ate dinner and I was feeling terrible becase my MIL was waiting to meet Sophia. So I decided to go for a walk and try to get things going again. So my mother in law came with me and we walked about a half hour. Contractions started again, but they seemed to have a real pattern to them, unlike the ones I would have with the pill. These continued from about 6 pm to about 10 or 11pm. I was so sick of waiting at this point but tired too, so I just fell asleep. I woke up at 1am to pee and lost my mucus plug. I went and laid back in bed and immediately began having suck strong contractions that I couldn't lay down. So I went and paced the kitchen and started timing them. By 2 am my contractions were really strong and about 2-4 min apart, but weren't lasting but about 30 seconds. My contractions with my first daughter never followed the rules though, so I wasn't expecting this labor to follow the 4-1-1 rules either. Around 3 or 3:30 they were about 2 min apart, still not lasting we're long, but I had begun shaking uncontrollably like I was in transition, and the contractions felt as painful as my transition contractions during my first labor. So I waited a little longer til 4 (secretly hoping I'd wait too long and have to give birth at home) to wake my husband and let him know we needed to go. So we get to the birthing center around 4:30 ish and my midwife checks me and tell me I'm dialated to a 2!!!! I was so devastated, I was sure I was at least a 6 or 7. Then she tells me to go walk for an hour. I was so exhausted and upset I just wanted to hit her for even suggesting a walk at 4:30 in the morning!! But still we walked. After an hour I had dialated to a 3 and I just wanted to go home to labor, but she wanted me to stay in case things sped up. So I asked if she could give me a shot for pain and to help me sleep if I promised to go to my parents house which was less than 5 min away. She warned me that it could stall labor but agreed. So I had the shot and went to nap in my parents bed. My contractions stopped and I fell asleep hard for about an hour or two. Then around 8:30 or 9am I woke up again to those same really intense contractions I'd been having all night. They quickly became about a min apart, but I kept telling myself nothing was happening because this had gone on all night and had barely gotten me anywhere, so I decided to grit my teeth and bare it. My husband and mom came to check on me after my dad went and got them (I think I freaked him out a little cause he came into the room as a contraction was starting and I just grunted and waved at him to come push on my hips, it was pretty funny looking back) so my mom and Erik come in and I ask Erik if he would be upset I just decided to go to the hospital and get an epidural or better yet a c-section. He was so great and told me he would support me and not think any less of me no matter what I need to do. So this serious conversation continues and my mom and Erik are telling me well you need to go see Betty (my midwife) and let her know you want to go to the hospital and let her check you. (my mom and Erik were smart enough not to try and argue with me at this point because they knew I wasn't being rational...they just needed to talk me into getting checked, which I was refusing because I didn't want to be touched!) so they talked me into just 'stopping in to let Betty know our plans on the way to the hospital'. But of course she wanted to check me and I complied and before I could even let her know my changes of plans she told me I was at an 8. So there was no turning back at that point! So we filled the tub (I planned on a water birth) and I got in at around 10am I believe. And then the waiting began. With my first my midwife broke my water because I stalled at an 8, after that my daughter was out in about an hour but I had no break in contractions and she came out so quick that I had severe tearing. So I was terrified of a repeat, so I had asked my midwife to not break my water. Well appartley my body always likes to stall at an 8. So I sat at an 8 until about 2 or so in the afternoon. The contractions werent pleasant but I think I just needed to mentally prepare for the part I was dreading. Thankfully I think my midwife knew I was stalling too so when she check me my water 'accidentally' broke, at least, that's the story I'm going with :-). Once my water broke my contractions never changed or sped up. From 2 or 3am all the way until time to push my contractions stayed the same intensity, which in some ways was nice. Because though it was excruciating at first after several hours I realized how to get into zone and get through them. I was actually pretty quiet all through this labor (unlike my glass shattering screaming with my first,lol). After my water broke like clockwork I was at a 10 within an hour. Betty asked if I felt the urge to push and I remember thinking I never felt an urge with my first I just did it, so I'll just push wether I feel like it or not cause I'm ready to be done! So she agreed I could do a few pushes and just see if anything happened (because I still had cervix remaining but she said it may just move out of the way with some good pushes) so I gave about 2 or three good pushes and she was crowing majorly, so my midwife tells me to stop and get on my handles and knees to finishe pushing. this was part of the plan because we knew I was having a large baby so it was to help her come out easier and minimize tearing, however in the moment I thought she was nuts and yelled at her. 'Are you kidding me?!' to which she replied 'NO!' so I flipped as fast as I could and I swear I'll never forgot the feeling of trying to move with a baby's head between my legs! I think I got her head out in one more contraction and then Betty told me to stop because the cord was tightly wrapped around her head. It was hard to keep from pushing at that point but I'm kinda glad I was forced to slow things down because I think it kept me from tearing. Once the cord was unwrapped I gave one more good push and she slid right out and I flipped over and stared into my sweet Sophia's eyes! It was alot longer of a labor than I had expected but the birth was perfect. I was so scared of tearing again but I felt so under control even the pain. I just felt so much more able to manage my breathing and stay relaxed through it all. Sophia weighed 9lbs. 9.5ozs. (2lbs more than her sister did)21 inches long and born at 3:37pm March 18 2012. She latched on within the first hour a nursed like a champ. Her birth was just what I needed to feel brave enough to have another down the road without all the fear.

'THE' Birth Story

Okay, I'm finally sitting down to do this, I'll probably be lucky to get it done all at once, but we'll see!


Now before I go into the whole labor and birth part of this story please indulge me and listen to me talk about how miserable I was those last few weeks and why there are no pregnancy photos of me past like week 37. I SWELLED! Not just any swelling, pitting edema! It was horrible on my feet and legs, I couldn't remember what they looked like normally and I had a pocket of swelling at the bottom of my belly and yes, I had pitting edema there too. I could lightly put my hand on my stomach and leave an indention for a half hour. I gained 70lbs. by the end of my pregnancy, I gained 10lbs literally overnight by eating 2 pieces of pizza, and then at another appointment I , literally (again), gained 8lbs. overnight by eating lean pockets. My blood pressure was slowly rising over the last couple months so my midwife kept checking my urine for protein to see if I had pre-eclampsia, and all those other things that could pop up last minute, but everything kept coming back negative, so I had to majorly watch my sodium intake, because apparently my body hates sodium while I'm pregnant. Then to top all that off I was a week late. I couldn't stand or sit for more than about 5 min. at a time because the swelling became so painful, I could only lay on my left side with my feet elevated, I felt like a whale....which is why I tried to induce labor with castor oil.

So I was due on October 14th. On October 18th I decided to heed everyone's caution about castor oil (well, kinda) instead of taking none at all I decided I would take a half dose. I figured, what the heck, diarrhea can be miserable but so has 9 months of constipation, so what the heck! So I took it, went to the bathroom once and that was it...nothing else. So then October 19th I took a full dose at 1:30pm,
by 2:30 the pooping began, but nothing crazy or really crampy
around 2:30 or 3ish I also started having braxton hicks and they seemed really strong.
3pm I lost a large brown glob, mucus plug I'm assuming (sorry, but you gotta kinda expect this kinda stuff if you sit down to read something entitled "birth story").
Started having TONS of BH until 11:30 that night, they were getting really intense but no pain.
11:30pm-4am Nothing
4:18 am I woke up to go to the bathroom and lost the rest of my mucus plug from earlier. Went back to bed and started having contractions every 10-12min.
Got up again at 5am to pee and had my 'bloody show' which lasted like 2 full days (kinda freaky)
6am I got up to eat breakfast cause I couldn't sleep anymore and the contractions were more painful when I was laying down.
So around 7am they were still about 7-10min. apart so I was like, 'this is it!' so I decided to get a shower and get dressed so I'd be all pretty to push my baby out (haha...did I mention that I was planning on doing this all natural, in a tub?!?!)
So I took a shower and everything stopped- false labor, what a let down!
Then there was nothing until 9:30pm that night.
From 9:30pm that night and all through the night a next day I began having very low painful contractions and the pain was all concentrated in my pelvic floor, cervix area. So needless to say I didn't sleep. All I knew to do to cope with the pain was to jump out of bed, hold the dresser and do half squats til the pain left, ALL. Night. LONG! But the nice thing was that they were 30-45min. apart. I never woke Erik because I figured it was probably false labor because they were so far apart and I didn't think they were real contractions because everything we were taught is that they start in your low back then wrap around to your front and mine were in one tiny area, and that was it.
So now we're at the 21st, I already had a 41 week appointment scheduled for that day at 2:30pm, so Erik took me in cause I could no longer drive. My midwifes assistant took my blood pressure and then informed me that she wasn't going to tell me what it was and to lay down and she'd come check it again. So I rest, and they go ahead a check me and tell me I'm dilated to a 4 and 70% effaced. Then at the end of my appointment they take my blood pressure again and it's gone down, and they then inform me that the previous #'s were so bad that if they didn't come down they were about to transfer me to the hospital. So my midwife (and Erik) insist that I have a shot of nubane (sp?) a painkiller that lasts about 3 or 4 hrs. so I can relax and try to get some sleep, because I hadn't slept in a night and a half and the contractions were making me tense and not helping my blood pressure.
So I took the shot at 3pm and went home and was in a deep sleep for about an hour and a half, when i woke up to some really intense contractions I could feel over the painkiller.
Erik sat in the bedroom with me for the next couple hours with his laptop and everytime I could feel a contraction coming on I'd moan or wave him down and he'd come push on my hips til it left. My contractions were still 30-45min. apart at this point.
At about 7pm we decided to go back to the birthing center to get checked again before my midwife left for the night. She checked me at 7:30pm and I was 7cm and 100% effaced at 0 station and she said my bag of waters was bulging and about to break! I was shocked cause my contractions were so far apart. So we (or, Erik) called everyone and told them to get there.
I had my mom, sister, Erik, and friend Christina in the room and my dad was in the living room. We all just kinda sat around talking and making jokes in between contractions for about an hour or 2.....oh ya and when we got to the birthing center my contraction went from 30-45 min. apart to about 12min, then 6 or 7, and then about 3-5min. my first hour or 2 I was there. So after about an hour I decided to get into the tub. I was at and 8 somewhere around 10pm-ish and as she was telling me this she broke my water, which was a little unexpected. I then went into panic mode, because I was scared the contractions would really start hurting, and BOY was I right!
From about 10- 11:30 they came HARD and with no breaks. When they say it's the worst pain you will have probably ever felt in your life, they aren't kidding! I guess I thought they were.
By around 11:30 (I'm guessing the time here because everything was a painful blur at this point) I was told I was at a 10 and I could start pushing whenever I felt the urge. I guess I was terrified because I was fighting it, and I think I kept saying I didn't know how to push. So Erik and my midwife grabbed my feet and told me to push. So I pushed, and I yelled for someone to just pull her out, I grunted and screamed, I think I said something about just wanting to go to sleep and something else about being hungry. And I got no breaks between contractions cause she was coming so fast and I felt like someone was trying to rip my body in half from my hips, I kept complaining about how bad my hips hurt. My mom was frantic listening to me scream and left the room a few times and was trying to get the midwife to let me change positions....that would have been a miracle, I couldn't move I was hurting so bad! Then after 20 min. of pushing I gave it one more with all I had and her head came out at the same time I felt a "POP" throughout my whole body that I may never forget. And I think I announced that I tore, and then I just went into auto pilot and gave it one more push and Erik grabbed Zion and lay her on my chest. She was blue as all get out and not breathing real good and everyone was panicking but me. I twas such a God thing cause I never realized how blue she was til I saw pictures later. SO they rub her and spanked her and put a pump thing over her mouth and she let out a big scream. It was so awesome to hear. After her umbilical cord stopped pumping  my sister got to cut it, and then Erik took her and cleaned her up while I got out of the tub.

The whole thing was so amazing and emotional looking back. And it's funny, that night I was thinking there's no way I'm ever doing this again without drugs, but 2 days later I knew I could never birth any other way. It also took about 2 days for the emotion of everything to catch up with me. I had felt guilty that I was emotional when Zion was born, I couldn't even fake cry, and all I could think about was this massive tear I could feel. Then 2 days later I was a mess of tears that went on for about 2 weeks just so in love with my little girl, and releasing all the guilt I felt. Erik was so amazing during my breakdown too and had such a great explanation. He said that my body was probably in shock from everything that had happened and had just gone into 'survival' mode to cope with the pain and everything happening all at once. It made me feel so much better. I also don't think I changed one diaper for those first 2 or 3 days. Erik brought me all my food helped me in and out of bed, Brought me Zion for all her feedings, everything. Everything was just so incredible, and I've fallen in love with my husband all over again and in all new ways, and with or gorgeous little girl.

 And that's my story!