“Hello darkness, my old friend…”

“Hello darkness, my old friend…” -Simon and Garfunkel

I recently learned that I was a 4 on the enneagram. When I first read the description I was offended. “Melancholy my ass!” I’ve put in a lot of work to not be someone controlled by my emotions. But then I started reading more and listening to podcasts of other 4’s, and I got it. I like to go deep. Scary and dark thoughts don’t scare me, they are things to be explored. I’m always baffled by people who hide from their issues or feelings, and don’t enjoy a good cry. I actually pick movies (not all the time) based on their ability to make me cry. If I don’t cry at least once a month I feel clogged.

 But over all I don’t feel like these are things that define me as a whole. I would say that I spend much more time seeing the good and humor in life than anything else. But every once a while, probably a few times a year, this brooding darkness creeps over the horizon, and this song runs through my head for days “Hello darkness my old friend,I’ve come to talk with you again…” It’s here now. It’s been here for a good week. I used to think it was depression, but I’ve learned over the years that I just want to sit and be artist and alone. As much as it makes me feel heavy and sad, I enjoy it. That feels a little weird to say publicly, because people don’t get it. It’s like a dark enchanted forest. I want to know what’s hiding there. What will I discover about myself this time around? There is always a treasure of self discovery in the darkness. 

The feelings don’t appear out of thin air, obviously something is going on internally that my mind hasn’t caught up to. So when these times come it’s a reminder to my head that I’m not making space to connect with my heart. I’m cluttered, I’m tired, and for weeks I’ve been staring at my laptop from across the room wishing I had an hour or two to sit in silence and write. It’s my escape, my “me time”. But instead I’m worried about letting the laundry go one more day, running errands, cleaning, anything that would put any stress on anyone around me. Because somewhere inside me is a resting illness that is screaming that my job as a wife and mom living the freeloader life is to make sure everything runs seamlessly, smoothly, causes no one stress, and proves that I’m worth my weight in gold. Free time and me time are things to be earned. And the worst part is that no one knows, not until I break down and open my mouth. It’s partially my own damn fault!

But here’s the kicker, and I know I’m not alone in this. The line between loving sacrifice and martyr gets really blurred day in and day out. Carrying the weight of stress alone because you don’t want to stress out your spouse or steal their joy. Asking them to do things you know they don’t want to do, because their life is busy and stressful too, so you keep your mouth shut and tell yourself it’s not a big deal, you can handle it. Making meals that are insulted by your kids. It all slowly erodes away at your joy. At some point you look up and realize you’ve done it again. Your laying on the ground trying to be invisible, needless and there’s no more joy in the sacrifice. 

And there it is.  Meh.

I knew I’d get to the bottom of it if I started to write. So I guess this is the part where I start speaking up again. I do it to myself, little by little I devalue myself and without realizing it I start trying to prove myself by working harder and keeping my head down. But I need to bust my “NO” out again. The laundry will get folded on Friday instead of Thursday, because I’m going to write. If my family is having a bad day it’s not always going to be my fault. And I’m going to ask for what I want, because my family deserves the opportunity to choose ‘yes’ or ‘no’. And if they say ‘no’ it will not break me (for long).

Farewell darkness…I’m sure we’ll meet again.

Heaven : Why should we care?

I have started and restarted this blog at least 3 times now. Every time I get about a paragraph in I think, “this is true, but it’s not what excites me.” I’m all heart guys, if you can connect my heart to something I’m 100% in. So here’s what we’re gonna do, I’m going to link up a few blogs that have some great reasons (they really are great) as to why you should think about Heaven. But then I’m gonna tell you some reasons that excite me. 

All it takes is a simple google search to come up with a ton of great articles and blogs, but here are just a few:

Looking Forward to a Heaven We Can Imagine

This is by far one of the most extensive resources I’ve found for reading about Heaven. A FB friend did mention that he does have a book, but even if you don’t buy it you can still go to his blog and search under the tag ‘Heaven’ and it will bring up about 13 pages worth of blogs. I highly recommend it.

Why on Earth Should We Be Thinking About Heaven?

Why You Need to Think about Heaven (More than You Do)

And now….**Drumroll Please**  Here are 3 of my favorite reasons to think about Heaven:

Imagining what His presence is like in Heaven brings me into His presence here and allows me to release Heaven to others.

Heaven is not a time or place to come, its a parallel universe and we are supposed to bring it to earth. How do you know what that looks like if you aren’t thinking about heaven?

When we are thinking about the Heavenly realm it’s much easier to see problems in the light of Heavens economy and solutions. I think we can all agree that this world has a lot of problems and we could easily sit on our couches having facebook arguments about how we think people should see and do things. OR, we could fix our eyes on Jesus, His heart for unity, the way He demonstrated the kingdom of Heaven on earth and ask for solutions. He doesn’t always respond with conversation. Many times He comes to our thoughts or imagination as we simply think about Him and the Heavenly realm.

Colossians 3:2 “Yes, feast on all the treasures of the heavenly realm and fill your thoughts with heavenly realities, and not with the distractions of the natural realm.”

Jesus told us to pray for Heavenly realities to be made manifest in even the midst of our broken world. So What does that mean? Simple, if theres no brokenness in Heaven, He wants you to pray and release that here to those around you who are suffering.

Matthew 6:9-10  Pray like this:

‘Our Father, dwelling in the heavenly realms,
    may the glory of your name
    be the center on which our lives turn.

Manifest your kingdom realm,
    and cause your every purpose to be fulfilled on earth,
    just as it is fulfilled in heaven.”

Do you have the authority to do that? Yes! Feelings are wonderful guides and terrible masters. You don’t have to feel authority to have authority. Your physical body might be on earth, but when you believed in Christs death and resurrection your spirit was raised with Him and seated in a place of authority. Your authority does no ebb and flow in conjunction with your screw ups. So as you sit with the Father in a place of authority He doesn’t see you smeared with the filth of your bad day or choice, all He sees is blood, the sacrifice of Jesus, you wear it like a royal robe. You have authority, lots of it!

Ephesians 2:6  He raised us up with Christ the exalted One, and we ascended with him into the glorious perfection and authority of the heavenly realm, for we are now co-seated as one with Christ!

Heaven is above us, around us, and IN us. I don’t know about you, but when I think about Jesus being seated at the right hand of the Father, I’m seated there too, I have all the authority that Jesus has to pray and release Heaven on earth, and Heaven is inside of me?! That gets me excited! The helps me feel connected to a physical place that I can pull my authority from and release it. And if Heaven is inside of me, and I’m thinking about and focusing on it’s realities the there’s no way I want to live my life any any way that would dishonor or desecrate the temple of the Holy Spirit. Do I do it, yes, we all do. But Heaven inside me is transforming me. Process, transformation, a journey…..Fulfillment and perfection comes after this body dies.

1 Corinthians 3:16  Don’t you realize that together you have become God’s inner sanctuary and that the Spirit of God makes his permanent home in you?

Ephesians 2:22  This means that God is transforming each one of you into the Holy of Holies, his dwelling place, through the power of the Holy Spirit living in you!

 I think so many people live with a fear that they won’t accomplish enough in this life. But thinking about Heaven not only helps drive the desire to live to your fullest potential on earth, but it also speaks peace to the impending doom that the end is coming and you’ll never accomplish anything again. 

God created us for work, we will have purpose and jobs in Heaven. In a part world (the Garden of Eden) God created Adam and then gave him work to do, then he also gave him a companion and a helper. Its the turmoil, and pain, etc that were from the curse, not the work. 

Have you spent your life trying to figure out what your passion is, or maybe you know but you just haven’t been able to make it work. Can you imagine knowing exactly what it is you are made for that makes your heart soar with pleasure, and it’s easy?! Fruit will come of everything that you put your hands to do. Can you imagine the joy and satisfaction, you will have and the glory you will bring the Father as you live in the fullness of what you were created for! That’s what we’re all striving for on earth, right? To do that thing that makes us come alive, that we were made for!

Destroying my fears about heaven helped me to move past my fears in this life. 

If you want to hear a little more about some of my struggles with fear you can read about it here. I was really good at living a life consumed by fear. Maybe you don’t feel like you deal with fear to that extreme, but have you ever been worried? A little anxious? We all have and I’m sure we will fall prey to it again and again before this life is over. But we have been given a tool, and if we catch ourselves going down the rabbit hole we can whip out our handy-dandy tool and get out of that rabbit hole before things get too dark and scary. You want the tool??

Phillipians 4:6-8 Don’t be pulled in different directions or worried about a thing. Be saturated in prayer throughout each day, offering your faith-filled requests before God with overflowing gratitude. Tell him every detail of your life, 7 then God’s wonderful peace that transcends human understanding, will make the answers known to you through Jesus Christ. 8 So keep your thoughts continually fixed on all that is authentic and real, honorable and admirable, beautiful and respectful, pure and holy, merciful and kind. And fasten your thoughts on every glorious work of God,praising him always.

 Let me put it in even simpler terms: Pray! Focus on Jesus and His presence. If there’s ANYTHING good in your life, thank Him for it, no matter how big or small. Tell Him everything cause He wants to know, even though He already knows it all. And if you’ll let Him into your life in that way He’s gonna let you know what to do. He’s going to give you strategies and answers and peace that doesn’t even make sense! So just take your eyes off of everything thats wrong and dark and go hunting for good and the light and everything will come into the perspective of Heaven.  That right there will destroy fear!

So there you have it. They are simple but powerful and they have transformed the way I think and live. Living in the light of Heaven will change your life, your perspective and the lives of people around you. So spend a little more time thinking about Heaven; what it’s like now, what it will be like when Jesus returns and you get to be audience to the creation of the new heavens and earth. It’s going to be a wild ride for eternity.