Monday, February 22, 2016

Love and History

I was watching this video today and it 1:44 I just lost it. (sorry for the link, but I'm not to blog savvy) when my children were just a little younger, not so long ago. We walked through some rough seasons together. Nothing horrible, just me learning to be a mom. You know, all that fun stretching and dying stuff ;). And of course throw in some very strong-willed girls. I would have watched a video like this and thought "we may never make it to have that kind of relationship." I have felt like I was failing more times that I can count. And spent many days wondering why I wasn't like all those other moms whom mothering came to so easily. But one day I realized something had changed. Every relationship changes and morphs as you grow together. So I wanted to write this as a reminder to myself and for anyone else who might need to hear it. Toddler years can be so rough, But don't discount the history that is being built.

            Love and History

When your children are firstborn there is this sort of unexplainable love it just consumes you. I want to say it's hormonal, but I don't want to reduce it to that. It's a love that is impossible to have ever known until you have children of your own. And it's mind blowing that you can love so fiercely someone you have never met, and have no history with.

Then, for me at least, after about 3-5 years that love morphs into something new. The old love isn't gone, but now you have a history. 

You've gone through Illnesses, frustrations, great highs, and great lows. You probably gone through seasons of feeling like all you do is sacrifice and wonder if you'll ever see re-ward.

  Even the worst of seasons always come with great moments and great victories. They aren't forgotten or even overshadowed but they are quickly stored away in your heart under a file called 'history'. 

You may be walking through life for years at times changing diapers, cooking meals, barely making it through the day and wondering what you even accomplished. If you're like me you probably repent a million times a day for ever thinking that moms were lazy or  undisciplined.

But then...

One day you look at them and you just melt. These wonderful little people who you have such an intense history with have absolutely stolen your heart. And it's not just the good moments that I've made your history rich, but it's the battles you've walked through together. 

It's the battle of the heart and the mind where you've come to realize your time spent with them is not just significant to them but to the world.

It's the battle for the inheritance and legacy that you want to leave to future generations.

It's the battles  you've fought for their health and their attitudes. Teaching them how to manage their emotions, and express them appropriately.

It's the battle you fought for them to always know how deeply you love them even when you're frustrated with them.

It's the battle you're continually fighting for them to know the Father's heart, and to always teach them His ways.

One day I hope my children look back and don't just see a mother who showered them with love and affection every day, but a mother who went to war for them. And even though it may have felt at times that I was at war with them I hope and pray they see a treasure in the history too.

I am so thrilled that I get to spend a lifetime knowing and loving these 3 incredible little women so intimately and deeply. And I love knowing that our days spent together, though most are mundane, will have ripple effects throughout history.

Saturday, February 20, 2016

God laughs

A few nights ago around 2 am I was awoken by a blood curdling scream that sent me from a deep sleep to Z's side in a matter of seconds. She's had nightmares before but never anything that had her screaming like that. We prayed together and I got a shower ready for her while I changed her sheets. She had wet the bed, which she never does. 

After her shower we were talking and I let her know that any time she is scared she can always ask Jesus,

"Where are you and what are you doing?"

 So we decided to practice together. She closed her eyes and I told her to look around her room in her mind until she knew where Jesus was. It took a few minutes to get her to focus. First she saw the ninja turtles, then penguins, but then she saw Him. He was in the corner. So we closed our eyes again to find out what he was doing. Immediately she began to giggle uncontrollably and yelled out "He's laughing!".

And like a flash of lightning I had a download of information straight from the Father to my heart. And I heard these words, 

"I am never laughing at you, but my laugh is for you."

Psalms 2:4 “He Who sits in the heavens laughs; the Lord has them in derision [and in supreme contempt He mocks them].”

It's suddenly dawned on me that I have a hard time with the image of Jesus laughing. It's not that I have a problem with it theologically or anything, it's just not a part of Him that I've really had an encounter with. He's always been a Comforter or a Father, far more serious than just a friend to laugh with.  

But my child now has a revelation of a God who is always near and laughs in the face of fear. And fear cannot stand in the presence of the Joy of the Lord. He goes to war for us with laughter. And because of my daughter I hear His laugh too. 

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Raelynn Joy Uunila-birth story

Born May 7th 2015 around 9:35pm. She was 8lbs 12oz (I think 😬 I'll have to double check that) and 21inches long.

I decided to have Raelynn at home. I had my first two at a birthing center, and I had always wanted a homebirth. Erik and I had decided that since my first two births were healthy we felt comfortable doing a homebirth. I was 8 days overdue with Zion, and 9 days overdue with Sophia. So I expected to be overdue again, though I still got my hopes really high that I would go into labor early. Of course week 39 rolled around and nothing but a bunch of Braxton Hicks contractions were happening.

Then both girls got strep throat.

We got anabiotic's and got over that.

Then I got the worst chest cold I've ever had in my life! I sounded like I was trying to hack up a lung 24/7.

When I was about three days overdue I woke up in the middle of the night to go pee, I went pee and stood up to wash my hands and started having a coughing spell and "water" went everywhere. So I cleaned up, and went and laid down and my contractions started around 2 AM with just enough pain that I couldn't sleep, but weren't getting any closer together. So in the morning I called my midwives to see if they could come by and check me to see how far along I was since my water had broken. We made phone calls, and sent text to family letting them know my water had broken and we would probably have a baby in the next 24 hours. I believe around 10 AM my contractions stopped. I was so frustrated! My midwives decided to come later in the afternoon. So I went for a walk around the neighborhood trying to get contractions going again. After a couple hours they started again. Again with enough intensity to be painful but still not getting closer together.
My midwives were headed over in the afternoon, so I called my mom and sister and tell them to go ahead and head over because this was it. Everyone got here around the same time ready to meet a baby. My midwives checked to make sure my water had broken as I had thought the night before. Turns out I had just peed all over myself!!


And once again my contractions stopped. My midwives let me know I was only dilated to a 2. They let me know that they've seen this happen so many times with people that are really sick. Their body is ready to go into labor and labor will start but then keep stopping because they need rest. So the doctors orders were to see if my parents could take the kids for the next few days. Take the anabiotic that I've been refusing to take. And get in bed and try to sleep as much as possible. I was also told I could drink a glass of red wine to help me sleep.

So my sister and mom left and took my kids, I went and got my anabiotic and some red wine and went to bed for the rest of the day. I had no more contractions until about 2 am again the next morning. It was the same pattern they continued until midmorning, then stopped. 

My midwives were so sweet and came out again to check me. This time I was dilated to a four. But again everything had stopped. They had advised me to try to get some more rest. And try to encourage me that once things really got go in that I would probably give birth quickly.

So once again everyone left and I decided to have a nice warm bath drink an extra big glass of red wine and take a sleeping pill. Don't judge! 😂

And of course after I got in bed with all that lovely stuff in my system my contractions started again. I think I was able to get about 30 minutes to an hour of sleep before I just couldn't stand it anymore. So I got up and decided to start cleaning since the kids were gone. By this point I think it was around 4 or 5 in the afternoon. I noticed my contractions had a little bit more intensity but still weren't getting any closer together. So I just kept cleaning and eventually let Eric know we might be having a baby that night or the next day. 

Around 6 pm Erik came out of his office and my contractions were pretty intense but weren't any closer together. He could tell that I was in active labor, but I still wasn't ready to admit it. I just didn't want to get my hopes up again. Finally after a really hard contraction I agreed that this was it.

And let him know I should eat something before labor really got intense. I wanted steak and Caesar salad. Erik ran down the street to the store and cooked the steak within about 15 minutes. He put that beautiful steak on my plate and cut off the first bite for me and I took one look at it and told him I couldn't eat. I felt so bad, but in that short amount of time I had hit transition and didn't even know it.

Thank God for a husband that recognizes transition though :-). Erik kept insisting that we should go ahead and start filling up the birthing pool. I kept telling him no because I thought I'd be in labor for so many more hours and didn't want the water to get cold. Thankfully he made the executive decision and went ahead and started feeling it. When it was only about halfway full I came in the room and let him know I needed to get in. I jumped in the pool and those deep transitional groans began.

I remember feeling so bad calling my mom and the midwives and asking them to come over. I thought for sure that I hadn't progressed but I really just wanted more support there with me. Within 30 minutes my midwives, my mom, and my sister had all showed up. It's funny how on the outside I totally would have known I was in transition. But when you're the one going through it you kind of feel crazy. I was letting out these deep painful groans and as soon as my mom and midwives walked in the room they knew I was about to have a baby. I was in my own little world.

My midwives wouldn't check me unless I asked them to. And I didn't want anybody touching me with a 10 foot pole unless it was for comfort :-). With my last two I always progressed to about an 8 and then I would stall out until my water broke, so I expected the same. My water hadn't broken so I figured I was probably going to be stuck until my water broke.
About an hour and a half or so after everyone had gotten there I remember getting on my hands and knees, and in my head I swear I thought I was screaming, but on the video I'm silent. I decided to go ahead and get a little practice push and see if anything happened or if I could break my water. I remember giving a little push and feeling something weird come out. I had on a skirt so no one could see anything and it was dark in the room. I reach down and felt that I had pushed out her head and the reason it felt weird was because she was still in the sack! I gave it one more good push and she came right out and her little butt floated straight up to the top of the water. As soon as I grabbed her the water sack broke and all the gasps of amazement and shock started.  No one had a clue that I was pushing her out. She came into this world so peacefully and let let out one little cry and that was it. It was so fitting for her personality, since that day she has been the most peaceful, calm and happy baby and such a joy to be around!

Thursday, June 27, 2013

My DFW bucket list for toddlers

Don't get your hopes up.

 I'm not gonna start blogging again 😜.

I just needed to make a list...cause I like lists. I really like lists on paper, but since links and paper don't work we'll together then a blog it is.

I'm trying to compile a list of play dates that are somewhat conveniently located between myself (in south Arlington) and a friend (in Grapevine). I would like for them to be mostly indoors and air conditioned, free or very cheap a majority of the time, great for expending lots of energy, and safe to let my 1 year old run around and climb everything.
I'm not really a fan of library events, my kids won't sit still for that stuff and it doesn't wear them out. Indoor playgrounds at fast food joints are usually overcrowded and dirty and I can't keep my dang kids in them! They'd rather try to spend their time escaping. I already know of lots of great parks its just way to hot, and we have a pool so we have lots of play dates at home involving water already.

SOOOO, after you've read through my list below and have gleaned from my vast knowledge 😂, and have read my likes and dislikes above, then please please do share any recommendations you have that might fit into our framework!

The Ark at Grace Point Church in Coppell
I haven't been yet, but it seems like a nice clean, safe place for the kids.

Royal Jump at the Parks Mall in Arlington
$6 for kids
$4 for adults
before 2 pm (all day pass)
This is a massive room full of bounce houses and lots of small ones for toddlers.
You have to watch your kids though, it's madness when it's crowded (so go as early in the day as possible). I found a little boy smacking my 1yr old over and over with a part of a bounce house and also found a little girl trying to 'help' pick my 1 yr old up tightly by her neck 😳! All that craziness happened after 3 pm. I've been twice around 10/11am-ish and its been a ghost town.

JumpStreet trampoline park in Colleyville
$4 all day
Just did this for the first time today and my kids had a blast and were begging to go to bed on the ride home 👍. Went with a friend and all our kids are under 4 so we had to stay in the under 7 area which is just a bounce house and then 3 big rectangular trampolines that partially slice up the wall. There are monitors watching the kids to make sure no ones beating each other up or breaking rules, but you still have to keep a bit of an eye on your kids.

The Tubes at Irving Bible Church
I haven't been in a few months but this is a massive church and the Tubes are like the chick fila playground on steroids. It's padded, has an area for smaller kids, is surrounded by glass and only has one door in and out. And AIRCONDITIONED!  There's seating all around and a coffee shop just down the hall a ways.

Gateway Church in Southlake indoor play place
I haven't been yet, and there website is incredibly annoying because there is no information about their playground! But you can check out this website for pictures:
You will just have to call and ask if the kids building is open that day. I called today and it was closed for vbs, so be sure to check before you go.

Texas Discovery Gardens in Fair Park (Dallas)
Prices vary
So this is further than I prefer to drive, but I guess if I'm desperate my daughter would really enjoy watching the butterfly release. They do it every day at noon.

Dallas World Aquarium
Terribly overpriced! But its one of those things you've just got to do.
$21 for adults
$13 for ages 3-12
Under 3 is free though, so I figure I better get my butt up there before Z turns 3 in a few months.

Okay, don't forget to share your hidden dfw gems!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Sophia's birth

Just like every mom, I was sure I was going to go early this time :-) So Erik's mom came to town a week before my due date. She only had 2 weeks with us so we figured if I go a little early shell be here when the baby's born, and if not my midwife was going to try to induce at 40 weeks due to my having gestational diabetes and high blood pressure. So it was supposed to be win win. Well, my due date came and I was dialated, effaced, nothing! So my midwife said I would take cyotec orally every 4 hours until contractions were going steadily on their own. Now, this drug is pretty mild when taken orally it really won't force your body into something it's not ready to do. She had never had anyone do more than 3 days worth without going into labor. I was SURE though that it would only take one day for me! Well, we ended up doing two days straight. Lots of contractions and no progress! So we did a rest day and then started again for two days, still nothing! So another break this time for two days, then on day 8 past my EDD we started again. I ended up having two pills and when time came to take a third I called my midwife to tell her my contractions hadn't died down this time, they were still going. So she said to just wait and see what happened and if they stopped to just get some rest and we would discuss where to go from there. So we hung up and of course the contractions started dying down. So we ate dinner and I was feeling terrible becase my MIL was waiting to meet Sophia. So I decided to go for a walk and try to get things going again. So my mother in law came with me and we walked about a half hour. Contractions started again, but they seemed to have a real pattern to them, unlike the ones I would have with the pill. These continued from about 6 pm to about 10 or 11pm. I was so sick of waiting at this point but tired too, so I just fell asleep. I woke up at 1am to pee and lost my mucus plug. I went and laid back in bed and immediately began having suck strong contractions that I couldn't lay down. So I went and paced the kitchen and started timing them. By 2 am my contractions were really strong and about 2-4 min apart, but weren't lasting but about 30 seconds. My contractions with my first daughter never followed the rules though, so I wasn't expecting this labor to follow the 4-1-1 rules either. Around 3 or 3:30 they were about 2 min apart, still not lasting we're long, but I had begun shaking uncontrollably like I was in transition, and the contractions felt as painful as my transition contractions during my first labor. So I waited a little longer til 4 (secretly hoping I'd wait too long and have to give birth at home) to wake my husband and let him know we needed to go. So we get to the birthing center around 4:30 ish and my midwife checks me and tell me I'm dialated to a 2!!!! I was so devastated, I was sure I was at least a 6 or 7. Then she tells me to go walk for an hour. I was so exhausted and upset I just wanted to hit her for even suggesting a walk at 4:30 in the morning!! But still we walked. After an hour I had dialated to a 3 and I just wanted to go home to labor, but she wanted me to stay in case things sped up. So I asked if she could give me a shot for pain and to help me sleep if I promised to go to my parents house which was less than 5 min away. She warned me that it could stall labor but agreed. So I had the shot and went to nap in my parents bed. My contractions stopped and I fell asleep hard for about an hour or two. Then around 8:30 or 9am I woke up again to those same really intense contractions I'd been having all night. They quickly became about a min apart, but I kept telling myself nothing was happening because this had gone on all night and had barely gotten me anywhere, so I decided to grit my teeth and bare it. My husband and mom came to check on me after my dad went and got them (I think I freaked him out a little cause he came into the room as a contraction was starting and I just grunted and waved at him to come push on my hips, it was pretty funny looking back) so my mom and Erik come in and I ask Erik if he would be upset I just decided to go to the hospital and get an epidural or better yet a c-section. He was so great and told me he would support me and not think any less of me no matter what I need to do. So this serious conversation continues and my mom and Erik are telling me well you need to go see Betty (my midwife) and let her know you want to go to the hospital and let her check you. (my mom and Erik were smart enough not to try and argue with me at this point because they knew I wasn't being rational...they just needed to talk me into getting checked, which I was refusing because I didn't want to be touched!) so they talked me into just 'stopping in to let Betty know our plans on the way to the hospital'. But of course she wanted to check me and I complied and before I could even let her know my changes of plans she told me I was at an 8. So there was no turning back at that point! So we filled the tub (I planned on a water birth) and I got in at around 10am I believe. And then the waiting began. With my first my midwife broke my water because I stalled at an 8, after that my daughter was out in about an hour but I had no break in contractions and she came out so quick that I had severe tearing. So I was terrified of a repeat, so I had asked my midwife to not break my water. Well appartley my body always likes to stall at an 8. So I sat at an 8 until about 2 or so in the afternoon. The contractions werent pleasant but I think I just needed to mentally prepare for the part I was dreading. Thankfully I think my midwife knew I was stalling too so when she check me my water 'accidentally' broke, at least, that's the story I'm going with :-). Once my water broke my contractions never changed or sped up. From 2 or 3am all the way until time to push my contractions stayed the same intensity, which in some ways was nice. Because though it was excruciating at first after several hours I realized how to get into zone and get through them. I was actually pretty quiet all through this labor (unlike my glass shattering screaming with my first,lol). After my water broke like clockwork I was at a 10 within an hour. Betty asked if I felt the urge to push and I remember thinking I never felt an urge with my first I just did it, so I'll just push wether I feel like it or not cause I'm ready to be done! So she agreed I could do a few pushes and just see if anything happened (because I still had cervix remaining but she said it may just move out of the way with some good pushes) so I gave about 2 or three good pushes and she was crowing majorly, so my midwife tells me to stop and get on my handles and knees to finishe pushing. this was part of the plan because we knew I was having a large baby so it was to help her come out easier and minimize tearing, however in the moment I thought she was nuts and yelled at her. 'Are you kidding me?!' to which she replied 'NO!' so I flipped as fast as I could and I swear I'll never forgot the feeling of trying to move with a baby's head between my legs! I think I got her head out in one more contraction and then Betty told me to stop because the cord was tightly wrapped around her head. It was hard to keep from pushing at that point but I'm kinda glad I was forced to slow things down because I think it kept me from tearing. Once the cord was unwrapped I gave one more good push and she slid right out and I flipped over and stared into my sweet Sophia's eyes! It was alot longer of a labor than I had expected but the birth was perfect. I was so scared of tearing again but I felt so under control even the pain. I just felt so much more able to manage my breathing and stay relaxed through it all. Sophia weighed 9lbs. 9.5ozs. (2lbs more than her sister did)21 inches long and born at 3:37pm March 18 2012. She latched on within the first hour a nursed like a champ. Her birth was just what I needed to feel brave enough to have another down the road without all the fear.

Monday, November 15, 2010

'THE' Birth Story

Okay, I'm finally sitting down to do this, I'll probably be lucky to get it done all at once, but we'll see!

Now before I go into the whole labor and birth part of this story please indulge me and listen to me talk about how miserable I was those last few weeks and why there are no pregnancy photos of me past like week 37. I SWELLED! Not just any swelling, pitting edema! It was horrible on my feet and legs, I couldn't remember what they looked like normally and I had a pocket of swelling at the bottom of my belly and yes, I had pitting edema there too. I could lightly put my hand on my stomach and leave an indention for a half hour. I gained 70lbs. by the end of my pregnancy, I gained 10lbs literally overnight by eating 2 pieces of pizza, and then at another appointment I , literally (again), gained 8lbs. overnight by eating lean pockets. My blood pressure was slowly rising over the last couple months so my midwife kept checking my urine for protein to see if I had pre-eclampsia, and all those other things that could pop up last minute, but everything kept coming back negative, so I had to majorly watch my sodium intake, because apparently my body hates sodium while I'm pregnant. Then to top all that off I was a week late. I couldn't stand or sit for more than about 5 min. at a time because the swelling became so painful, I could only lay on my left side with my feet elevated, I felt like a whale....which is why I tried to induce labor with castor oil.

So I was due on October 14th. On October 18th I decided to heed everyone's caution about castor oil (well, kinda) instead of taking none at all I decided I would take a half dose. I figured, what the heck, diarrhea can be miserable but so has 9 months of constipation, so what the heck! So I took it, went to the bathroom once and that was it...nothing else. So then October 19th I took a full dose at 1:30pm,
by 2:30 the pooping began, but nothing crazy or really crampy
around 2:30 or 3ish I also started having braxton hicks and they seemed really strong.
3pm I lost a large brown glob, mucus plug I'm assuming (sorry, but you gotta kinda expect this kinda stuff if you sit down to read something entitled "birth story").
Started having TONS of BH until 11:30 that night, they were getting really intense but no pain.
11:30pm-4am Nothing
4:18 am I woke up to go to the bathroom and lost the rest of my mucus plug from earlier. Went back to bed and started having contractions every 10-12min.
Got up again at 5am to pee and had my 'bloody show' which lasted like 2 full days (kinda freaky)
6am I got up to eat breakfast cause I couldn't sleep anymore and the contractions were more painful when I was laying down.
So around 7am they were still about 7-10min. apart so I was like, 'this is it!' so I decided to get a shower and get dressed so I'd be all pretty to push my baby out (haha...did I mention that I was planning on doing this all natural, in a tub?!?!)
So I took a shower and everything stopped- false labor, what a let down!
Then there was nothing until 9:30pm that night.
From 9:30pm that night and all through the night a next day I began having very low painful contractions and the pain was all concentrated in my pelvic floor, cervix area. So needless to say I didn't sleep. All I knew to do to cope with the pain was to jump out of bed, hold the dresser and do half squats til the pain left, ALL. Night. LONG! But the nice thing was that they were 30-45min. apart. I never woke Erik because I figured it was probably false labor because they were so far apart and I didn't think they were real contractions because everything we were taught is that they start in your low back then wrap around to your front and mine were in one tiny area, and that was it.
So now we're at the 21st, I already had a 41 week appointment scheduled for that day at 2:30pm, so Erik took me in cause I could no longer drive. My midwifes assistant took my blood pressure and then informed me that she wasn't going to tell me what it was and to lay down and she'd come check it again. So I rest, and they go ahead a check me and tell me I'm dilated to a 4 and 70% effaced. Then at the end of my appointment they take my blood pressure again and it's gone down, and they then inform me that the previous #'s were so bad that if they didn't come down they were about to transfer me to the hospital. So my midwife (and Erik) insist that I have a shot of nubane (sp?) a painkiller that lasts about 3 or 4 hrs. so I can relax and try to get some sleep, because I hadn't slept in a night and a half and the contractions were making me tense and not helping my blood pressure.
So I took the shot at 3pm and went home and was in a deep sleep for about an hour and a half, when i woke up to some really intense contractions I could feel over the painkiller.
Erik sat in the bedroom with me for the next couple hours with his laptop and everytime I could feel a contraction coming on I'd moan or wave him down and he'd come push on my hips til it left. My contractions were still 30-45min. apart at this point.
At about 7pm we decided to go back to the birthing center to get checked again before my midwife left for the night. She checked me at 7:30pm and I was 7cm and 100% effaced at 0 station and she said my bag of waters was bulging and about to break! I was shocked cause my contractions were so far apart. So we (or, Erik) called everyone and told them to get there.
I had my mom, sister, Erik, and friend Christina in the room and my dad was in the living room. We all just kinda sat around talking and making jokes in between contractions for about an hour or 2.....oh ya and when we got to the birthing center my contraction went from 30-45 min. apart to about 12min, then 6 or 7, and then about 3-5min. my first hour or 2 I was there. So after about an hour I decided to get into the tub. I was at and 8 somewhere around 10pm-ish and as she was telling me this she broke my water, which was a little unexpected. I then went into panic mode, because I was scared the contractions would really start hurting, and BOY was I right!
From about 10- 11:30 they came HARD and with no breaks. When they say it's the worst pain you will have probably ever felt in your life, they aren't kidding! I guess I thought they were.
By around 11:30 (I'm guessing the time here because everything was a painful blur at this point) I was told I was at a 10 and I could start pushing whenever I felt the urge. I guess I was terrified because I was fighting it, and I think I kept saying I didn't know how to push. So Erik and my midwife grabbed my feet and told me to push. So I pushed, and I yelled for someone to just pull her out, I grunted and screamed, I think I said something about just wanting to go to sleep and something else about being hungry. And I got no breaks between contractions cause she was coming so fast and I felt like someone was trying to rip my body in half from my hips, I kept complaining about how bad my hips hurt. My mom was frantic listening to me scream and left the room a few times and was trying to get the midwife to let me change positions....that would have been a miracle, I couldn't move I was hurting so bad! Then after 20 min. of pushing I gave it one more with all I had and her head came out at the same time I felt a "POP" throughout my whole body that I may never forget. And I think I announced that I tore, and then I just went into auto pilot and gave it one more push and Erik grabbed Zion and lay her on my chest. She was blue as all get out and not breathing real good and everyone was panicking but me. I twas such a God thing cause I never realized how blue she was til I saw pictures later. SO they rub her and spanked her and put a pump thing over her mouth and she let out a big scream. It was so awesome to hear. After her umbilical cord stopped pumping  my sister got to cut it, and then Erik took her and cleaned her up while I got out of the tub.

The whole thing was so amazing and emotional looking back. And it's funny, that night I was thinking there's no way I'm ever doing this again without drugs, but 2 days later I knew I could never birth any other way. It also took about 2 days for the emotion of everything to catch up with me. I had felt guilty that I was emotional when Zion was born, I couldn't even fake cry, and all I could think about was this massive tear I could feel. Then 2 days later I was a mess of tears that went on for about 2 weeks just so in love with my little girl, and releasing all the guilt I felt. Erik was so amazing during my breakdown too and had such a great explanation. He said that my body was probably in shock from everything that had happened and had just gone into 'survival' mode to cope with the pain and everything happening all at once. It made me feel so much better. I also don't think I changed one diaper for those first 2 or 3 days. Erik brought me all my food helped me in and out of bed, Brought me Zion for all her feedings, everything. Everything was just so incredible, and I've fallen in love with my husband all over again and in all new ways, and with or gorgeous little girl.

 And that's my story!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Might be time to pick up a dropped ball...

 I have another blog. It's called "I'm Blessed Dang It!" I haven't written anything on it in at least 6 months. But I originally started it as a reminder to myself that I'm blessed, everyday. I wanted to force myself to see all the ways I'm blessed. Obviously I haven't done too good at keeping up with it, but after reading through some old posts, I think it's probably a good idea to pick it up again, if for no one else but myself. I was super encouraged after reading this post I did last January and thought I'd re-post it for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!

 Knowing the value of blessing

I was trying to think about what blessings I'm grateful for, and I decided on 'the value of blessing'. Many people don't now how to look for blessings. They've never been taught. They're always looking for one step up, one little upgrade, or if this one little thing was different. But reality is no matter how great things get we seem to always want more or better, we forget to stop and be thankful for the little things.

Most of my life I've had a bit of a flare for the dramatic. Not usually in all things, but like when I get an idea stuck in my head it can go in a million directions verging on insane and by the time I get around to talking about the ant bite on my big toe I've decided that my life will be forever ruined because I'm going to have to have my big toe amputated. See what I'm getting at?? Anyways, without going into too much embarrassing history, a few years ago when I was in college I was living in Florida, fresh out of high school and I had done the unthinkable. I had signed up for a credit card, or five against my parents wishes. I was a bit (understatement) naive. My idea of a credit card was that I could load it up, buy whatever I wanted and simply pay a $10 monthly fee the rest of my life. Does it get any better than that!! And to top it off my mom had done something to help me build credit by putting my name on some of her stuff, so when I applied for credit cards I was approved usually for $5000-$10000. HEAVEN!

And then reality hit....

My express card was maxed out, and I had spent so much on other cards that my payments were far above $10 a month. And to top it all off I had gone home for a visit for a couple months and saved all my bill money for that time (cause I wouldn't have work) and one day when I put all my checks in the mail someone stole them out of my mailbox, washed the checks and decided to get their roof done! Of course I didn't even realize this had happened til the credit cards started calling asking where my payments were. So long story short I got it all worked out with the bank but the credit card company's had no mercy and sent my interest rates through the roof. Talk about a quick education in finance, haha! I got back to Florida, and I remember sitting on my bedroom floor one night in the cute little condo I rented with 3 other girls, and looking over my bills and crying hysterically. I couldn't talk to anyone about it, cause it was my big secret. But I had CC bills I couldn't pay, rent coming up that I couldn't pay, utilities, etc....then I started thinking about how the creditors would come after me and freeze all of my accounts until all my debt was paid off and I'd be kicked out of my house and I couldn't tell my parents, so when they called to ask how I was doing I'd need to put on a happy face and pretend that life was great even though i was huddled up in an old refrigerator box under the highway, and I'd need to come p with good excuses about how busy I was so they wouldn't come see me and what a horrible mess I've made of myself.

By this point I was hyperventilating through the tears and decided it was time to confess to my parents cause I would never survive the streets of Florida....unless, maybe if I made it over the bridge to the beach, hmmmm....I'd lose lots of weight eating fruit 'living off the land' be endlessly tan.... eh, who am I kidding!

My mom picked up 'hello?'

me: gasp, gasp, gasp, 'he' gasp' l' gasp 'l' gasp 'l' gasp 'lo?' gasp gasp

And then of course I freaked my mom out with my hysterics, she probably thought someone had died, but I set her straight. I came right out with it, between gasps of course. I proceeded to tell her about my future home living under a bridge and I probably wouldn't be able to afford my phone, and then I finally got to the part about having credit cards...lots of them. It was a brutal phone call, and my hyperventilating wasn't getting any better. Finally my dad got on the phone and said something so simple that snapped me back into reality.

Dad: 'Lacey, did you eat today?'
me: 'yes'
Dad:' Did you have a roof over your head today?'
Dad:'Well then what else do you need?'
me: silence

Then he went on to explain that God took care of al my basic needs today and yesterday and I just needed to trust him.

Of course my parents helped me out with rent, but I just needed to be reminded that as terrifying and uncertain as life may seem at times, God watches over the mundane details as much as He watches over the mighty storms, but I just have to trust him day to day. He always good at 'course correcting' for us.

I screwed up, but God used that to teach me alot, and there were some really hard lessons in that, some that I'm still paying for. But I have food in my belly everyday, clothes on my back (stylish ones at that), and a roof over my head. I'm taken care of.

It's taken some hard lessons to teach me the value of blessing, but I'm grateful for it, because when everything goes wrong and it feels like the world and my 'life' is headed to hell in a handbasket, I can wipe the game board of life clean and look and see that I have all that I need. My God, my family, love, food, shelter, and clothes. I'm so taken care of, and I know how to hunt down a blessing!