I had a dream last night that I was scrolling through fb and someone had posted “What does church mean to you?” The dream seemed so real I had to double check to see if they had actually posted it and if I had really replied. But it’s obviously something thats been rolling around in my subconscious for quite a while. For me to get to my thoughts of what church is I need to explain a little of where my thoughts have been lately.
I’m a person who craves authenticity from people and myself. To be honest theres no more repulsive thing to me than fake churchy people. Especially people in leadership whose cheeks shimmer from their constant smile but you can almost feel the pain in their face from maintaining the facade. They’ve never shared an intimate or personal part of their life that didn’t gloss over details and end in perfection. If they’ve ever been through a season so hard they questioned God, or had to deal with character trait that was less than shiny then you most definitely have never heard about it. If we’re being really honest I know a specific person who fits this description. If you’ve spent more than a week in church you can probably think of someone too. And I get it, this person has so much going for them, they are running something huge. What if they start being real and things start to fall apart?
A lot of people don’t appreciate real. I’ve heard several people say things like “We don’t need to know about your personal life, just stick to Jesus/theology/the Bible and keep your private life private.”
I once sat in a YWAM lecture with a teacher who said, “You know what I would love to see one day? Is for someone to get up during testimony time at church and share something they are going through without the victory at the end yet.” Of course I’m paraphrasing cause I don’t remember the exact words. While I’m fully aware there are some major flaws to this idea I understand what is meant. Can we and will we allow people to be real in church? Are we allowed to be in process? Not just on the little normal and safe stuff of being transformed into His image. But can we process the big and ugly stuff? When people around us are trying to find their footing again on a path thats been flooded by the storm in their life? Even as someone who craves and loves authenticity it makes me uncomfortable sometimes. And an even bigger question than that, can our leadership be real? Or are they only allowed to share about their struggles and processes after it’s over and they have all the answers? I honestly don’t have the answer for that, perhaps its not always wise….but maybe sometimes it is.
Obviously wisdom is needed in sharing personal information. There are things that I only share with Erik and Joyce. They are my safe people. There are deeply personal things that they know that I may never share with anyone else. There are things that I might not mind sharing but they would expose or hurt other people that I know, therefore I won’t share those things (not unless those people gave me consent to do so.) But many, MANY things in my life are free game. My why is simple: because the more I share the more likely I am to encounter someone struggling with something similar and have the opportunity to be an encouragement to them or find someone who can be an encouragement to me.
Here’s the deal with taking the risk to be vulnerable about your life and whats going on. It scares people. Several years ago I was going through a rough season. I had walked away from finishing up a dream experience in the Christian world that turned out to be one of the hardest seasons of my life. It took me about 6-8 years to finally come to a place of peace after it. (I can be a stubborn and slow learner at times.) I couldn’t read my bible, couldn’t listen to worship, went to church but struggled to connect. I sat in my car one day and screamed at God “I HATE YOU! And if I could walk away from you I would!” I knew I couldn’t though. I had encountered Him too many times in my life to walk away, it was impossible. But boy was I angry. There were so many questions I wanted answered. And in that season, mixed with lots of immaturity, I would post rants on FB. And there was always one lady, a pastor, who replied. My questions and anger made her so uncomfortable. She always had an answer for me, a ‘fix’. Her answers where always good. They were the right answers, but she had no desire to understand, therefore I had no desire to listen. Theres a great quote from Theodore Roosevelt that goes, “Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.”
Stick with me here, I promise this will all tie together in the end….I hope.
My everyday life, the attitude I keep around my children, my choice to complain or to lay down my life in service towards my family’s meals, laundry, needs, etc…is just as much a manifestation of ‘working out my salvation with fear and trembling’ (Phillipians 2:12) as is my worship, bible reading, and church going. Those things are vitally important and life giving, but the place where I have the greatest amount of opportunity to worship and lay down my life as a living sacrifice is where the majority of my life is spent. And for me, thats in housework and cooking. I spend a lot of time hating those things and complaining. I also spend a lot of time trying to find the balance of making sure I’m not playing the martyr. But in the end, when I remember the truth and I decide to choose, I tell the Lord that I will give it my all, as though I’m cooking for Him, then my attitude usually follows, along with the atmosphere in my house and the way I treat my family. My service, my ‘day in and day out’ becomes a sweet smelling fragrance. It becomes worship. Sometimes its easy to show up at church when the music is going, the prayer team has been praying into the atmosphere, the worship team has put in the work to lead you easily into a place of worship. But sometimes the most sacrificial and beautiful worship is in the choice you make to make every part of your life, even the really messy, hated and mundane parts of your life an act of worship to Him. Here’s some really real ways I’ve worshipped lately:
-I’ve woken up in the middle of the night with an unexplainable panic attack. I went down this list of things I knew to get out of it, natural and spiritual. Then I finally went on a walk at 4am and decided “you don’t always have to rescue me for this to be worship.” So I said “Show me where you are. Help me to to fully present even in the panic so I can connect with you.” The scripture Colossians1:17 came to mind, “And He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.” So even in what feels like utter chaos I knew He was holding me together. Not even the heavy breathes that entered and exited my lungs in that moment were void of His very presence. Whether felt of not, He was there, in every moment, in every breath, holding all of creation together. I focused on my breathing and thanked Him for my breath, for His presence, that everything in my life seen and unseen was held together and existing through Him. A few minutes later the attack ended and I went inside and was able to fall asleep. It may not seem like worship to you, but it was worship. I laid down my ideas of how He should show up for me and I met Him.
-This same thing happened in the middle of the dreaded stomach bug just a few weeks ago. I so desperately wanted to be rescued, I wanted it to end quickly. Instead it ended up being the worst bug I’ve ever had. But in the middle of hugging my porcelain throne I remembered the night of my panic attack and I began to thank Him for a body that was created to be able to expel a virus from my body. I thanked Him for the breaks to rest my body, I thanked Him for my breath, I thanked Him that this would end.
-There’s a part of my life thats majorly in process right. It’s a part I won’t share in detail because it involves my family. Right now it’s a mess. I’m the one at fault. I’m the mess maker. I’ve been making this mess over and over for years. I’ve prayed everything I know to pray, I’ve gone through inner healing, listened to and applied the self help things, but I’m at a loss. Just last night I shared with Erik that I think I need to pursue professional help because I’m at the end of my resources. There’s a part of me that wants to feel shame that I can’t figure this out on my own. But my act of worship is admitting that I don’t have all the answers, believing that God is going to use someone trained in that area to speak truth to me and help me navigate this mess. My worship is laying down my pride for the benefit of those around me. His strength is made perfect in my weakness, therefore I will not run and I will not hide.
All of this is worship, because it’s my life. It’s the things that affect my heart, my family, my friends, my outlook and attitude about life. They are the things that cause me to turn my attention to God and say, “Help Me!”. I encounter God’s presence in corporate worship, but I am transformed into His image when I turn my attention to Him in every moment of my regular day to day life and I search for Him in the storm. I grab hold of Him knowing He is the only one who will bring me through.
Okay, so I’m going to try to simply tie this all together in my answer to what (I hope/or wish) the church is:
First off, the church is the people, not the building. But theres something so important about the gathering together, worshipping and learning together. All these things are so good and so important, things I love about church. I love encountering His presence corporately.
Secondly, and very importantly, I hope the church is a place where we can be in process. I hope it’s a place where leaders or anyone for that matter can be real, even struggle a little and we can seek to understand before offering solutions or our judgements behind closed doors. I hope that when we speculate and make assumptions about people or hear rumors about how things were handled or said we could stop for a minute and pray for them, ask how we could serve them or honor the gold God placed in their DNA when He created them. And for goodness sakes!! If they say or do something you don’t understand, make an effort to talk to them and try to understand, and if you don’t understand choose love anyways. I hope the church is a little messy. I wish we would put in the effort to talk to people with an open mind, on a case by case basis to try to understand where people are coming from instead of throwing out our black and white blanket statements on facebook. And the reason I hope we could do these things is because when we allow people the space to find the breath of God even in their anger, bad choices, political preferences, mistakes, and the monotony of their everyday lives then we open the door for His breath to fill those same areas in our lives, even the places we are blind to.
Here’s the deal, when you choose to remain open to Him, even in the mess, He will be faithful to tend the garden of your heart. He will pull the weeds when the time is right. He is the gardener, His timing is perfect, His work is impeccable. Just make sure you unlock the gate and trust that He is faithful…not just for you, but for the people you don’t agree with, and whose mess seems a little too out of control. Thats what church is to me.
