Not Fixed

A few weeks ago Erik was going through some boxes of his stuff and I picked up a small little black book he had unpacked that caught my attention "Messy Spirituality". I started reading it's not really anything new it's just all those things I've thought or felt in my heart but have never put to words, and now I can't stop thinking about how amazing spirituality is, and wonderfully messy.

The Church, by and large, has had a poor record of encouraging freedom. She has spent so much time inculcating in us the fear of making mistakes, that she has made us like ill-taught piano students: we play our songs, but we never really hear them because our main concern is not to make music but to avoid some flub that will get us in a dutch.
-Robert Capon

I'll never forget Jon Dunn (a pastor from my church in Tx.) saying several times, something along the lines of 'God loves the process' He's not in relationship with us for the end result, yes, this is a process of transformation, but God's not sitting there tapping His foot and waiting and wondering when we're finally going to catch on so we can move forward to the next test or trail. This is not a race to perfection. This is a marriage commitment, the kind you come into saying I'm in this for life! The good, the bad, and the ugly.
And God knows good and well that some days we wake up on the wrong side of the bed, or cranky, or just plain not 'feeling' the love. There will be nights you don't follow the rules and you let the sun go down on your anger, you say things you don't mean, you lash out in your hurt or just not understanding. And like the picture (A bit dramatic, but it gets the point across) He knows that a commitment of that magnitude is going to bring out your worst, but He knew that and He can't help fix what doesn't come to the surface. He knows! He knew well before you signed up for this commitment, that's why when He made a covenant with you He decided to cover His side and YOUR side of the deal, because He knew you would fail Him. He knew you would fall flat on your face over and over again. And some days you would accidentally fall, and other days you would go pick up a rock place it in your path walk right into it and try to 'pretend' it was an accident....NO SURPRISE! Seriously, He knew this was going to be messy, but honestly He doesn't care, He's in this for your heart. Because He can see beyond all the outward symptoms of something deeper, He knows the past pains and wounds that were never properly dealt with and now you walk around with a spiritual brain injury doing stupid things. He's not waiting to tell you what an idiot you are, He's waiting there to cheer you on to get up and keep trying, His main concern is that He can keep you running to His arms, that you know He's the one who will always be there for you.

So in keeping with the quote from the beginning, Go sit down at the piano of your life and try to hash out some music. Slam your hands all over the keys if you don't know how to play, and whatever you do, don't let the Church tell you that if you can't do it right, then don't bother doing it at all! Because they might just hear noise or see a giant mess, or God forbid, you might slaughter a sacred cow!

But God sees something different :
"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7


This is so not where I was planning on going with this blog, but I am happy with the outcome. I don't want to be lumped into a group of 'religious people' at least not until there's a better definition of them, but my life, my love, my overflowing, crazy, passionate pursuit of Jesus is not about a set of rules that govern my life! It's about my heart, fully abandoned to love, it's about a daily relationship, messy or not I'm there! It's worth it.