Come Out Of Hiding, You're Safe Here With Me

This was something I wrote a little over a year ago. It's a huge part of my story. My desire in telling it over and over again in different ways is that it would bring freedom and hope to anyone dealing with fear or anxiety. If you would like to hear the message I preached recently at church talking about this same subject then scroll down and click the link posted at the bottom.

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Imagine with me that someone hands you a card and inside is a gift card for a spa day. You thank them profusely telling them how much you been desiring a relaxing day. They leave and you jump in the car to head to the spa. But on the way there your mind wanders to everything that could go wrong while your gone. Your house could burn down, you could get in a wreck on the way there, you could get a brain eating amoeba from the water at the spa… So many potentially horrific things could happen!!😱 So you decide that the 'wise' thing to do would be to not indulge in a moment of pleasure but instead think about your future. So you go to the spa, cash in your gift card and drive straight to the insurance agency to get the best insurance policy to cover every horrific thing that could happen in your life or death. And at the end of the day you have taken a gift that was meant for relaxation and pleasure for that day and you have spent the whole thing on future events that will most likely never happen. And if they do, that insurance won't spare you pain, only some money.

Now, please realize that this is NOT about insurance-insurance is great.

 This is about GRACE and FEAR.

Matthew 6:34 msg "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

So many times we read over this verse like we've heard it a million times and in doing so it's lost all its truth and power. But the reality is that each day and moment comes with a gift: grace for the moment. Not grace for tomorrow or next year. But we think we know better and we try to figure out the future without God, because surely He won't be able to provide ALL that we need in the future. Fear and anxiety creep in and convince us that living fully engaged in today is frivolous so we should cash in our grace for fear. Fear will steal every last drop of hope and joy from your life. You will live waiting for the other foot to fall, because all good things must come to an end, right??! Why hope for anything good, disappointment is a faithful friend. This is the dark battle I began to fight a few years ago. 

I'm a pretty optimistic person, but the things that were happening in my heart weren't lining up with what was happening on the outside.

Until they did...

As I sat in my rocking chair nursing Sophia one night I heard the most booming whisper in my spirit, "Do you trust me?" To which I replied, "Of course, Lord" He asked again and my heart began to pound. But my answer was the same. In my mind I didn't even realize I had begun to panic "Why is He asking me this?? Is He about to doing something horrible?? Will he take my children or my husband? Are we about to find out someone has cancer. He wouldn't need me to trust Him unless something terrible is on the horizon..." He asked again and suddenly I looked down at this sweet child sleeping in my arms and thought, "No, I don't trust you! Because if I trust you with my children I'm afraid you will take them away" I had finally had a moment of truth with God and I felt so exposed that I began to sob. 

I wish I could tell you that I had a long and in depth conversation with God that helped me to fully trust Him and break off all the lies I had been believing that night. But instead it has been a beautiful and hard journey that has completely wrecked me in the most wonderful way! I didn't even think about that conversation for many months. Then one night I lay in my bed to go to sleep and my heart began pounding so hard and I felt like I was being suffocated, thoughts of horrible things began racing through my mind and I was paralyzed. It happened again and again for about 3 weeks. I would watch things happening around me as though I was stuck inside this giant bubble. I couldn't hear or feel. I was terrified of even trying to feel joy for fear of it bringing on another panic attack. About a week into this I found out I was pregnant. 

Isis began beheading people. There was an Ebola case in the states-in MY state.

And I found out that I was bringing a child into this world. And I began to pray that I would miscarry. I still can't write, say, or even think those words to this day without crying. 

No one knew what to do with me,

But God.

I remember sitting down one morning and listening to a song by Steffany Gretzinger called Out of Hiding.

"Come out of hiding

You're safe here with Me

There's no need to cover

What I already see

You've got your reasons

But I hold your peace

You've been on lockdown

And I hold the key"

And I saw this picture of the Lord coaxing me out of this tiny cave, with no room to move or enjoy life, and as I timidly came out I was standing in a flat, dry, cracked desert with Jesus right next to me and I was surrounded by enemy armies about a mile away. I felt so exposed but so safe in that moment. And I knew He was saying to me that He was going to walk me through this and my enemy will see me but they are powerless to come near as I walk this out. Looking back I realize that I had given my enemies every weapon they had and in walking exposed in the safety of Jesus' arms I began to disarm every one of them. 

Those 3 weeks were my lowest point and also the greatest invitation into freedom. I was forced to live in the moment, because if I jumped ahead at all I had a panic attack. I would wake up in the morning and ask what do you want me to do today Holy Spirit? Some days it was a walk to lower my anxiety getting out of bed. One day He told me to get in the pool with my kids and smile. He led me to an amazing Christian acupuncturist who helped me a ton. He had me seek out inner healing. I turned off the TV completely except to watch something that would make me laugh. I listened to every message on hope and trust I could find and I invited trusted and powerful people into my daily struggle who prayed with me and trusted the process of healing. And through it all I began to see a God who cared that I laughed and that my children felt loved and safe. He wasn't a 'miracle working God who was simply amping up our faith for the horrible time to come', that was some terrible theology 🤢! He's a good Father! So that means he's a million times better/more caring/more involved/loving/sacrificial/and protective than any earthly Father. And yet he trusts me with His kids 😶😭. I want Him on my team.

The same person who sat in that chair and finally admitted that she didn't trust God with her children (even though we had dedicated them😜) is the same person who can tell you today that He is the most trustworthy source of hope and life and joy that I know. And on a daily basis I close my eyes and fall into His arms and TRUST that He will catch me. Some days I still struggle, I find myself with my mind wandering ahead of my grace and I remember how exhausting it is to live without hope and to forfeit today's beauty for tomorrow's sorrow.

Today when I close my eyes I see myself in a beautiful field of wildflowers. I see freedom and room to run. I'm still exposed but I'm enveloped in this shield of unconditional love and trust. I'm in His heart. And I live so convinced that my love and trust has captured His gaze. He sees me, he holds me when I'm scared and He finds me when I've crawled by into my cave to hide. 

I will give my life to helping others see and hear the voice of Love calling to them "Come out of hiding, you're safe here with me." 

Your Spirit is a Warrior message